tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-97804502024-03-07T11:48:38.901+08:00 daint denials..as she describes herself [ih-moh][per-fek-shuh-nist] or somehow some people define as neurotic perfectionists to those who are unable to feel satisfaction because in their own eyes they never seem to do things [well] enough to warrant that feeling of satisfaction..xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.comBlogger885125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-65423685288936046972019-05-25T02:41:00.001+08:002019-05-25T02:41:12.025+08:00sanity gone."Life's a big-ass drama. Tries to complicate her already complicated mind. There were times when she couldn't even understand herself or maybe she didn't want to. Hmm it's simply con·tra·dic·to·ry.<br />
She mostly pens her expression and insecurities here but that doesn't fit her into the Emo label. It's just simply her expressing her tantrums to keep her sa.ni.ty."xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-75633921997667547552019-05-25T02:37:00.004+08:002019-05-25T02:37:40.191+08:00Just another.... Yesterday was a tough day for me. I was tired. I hurt. I did little, got down on myself, and cried. But today was better. Today I was kind to myself, I did what I could, and I gave myself what I needed.<br />
<br />
Whatever you’re going through, I wish the same for you: self-compassion to help alleviate your pain, permission to do only what you reasonably can, and space to take good care of yourself.<br />
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It was a good <a href="https://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-things-to-stop-doing-when-youre-struggling-and-feeling-drained/?fbclid=IwAR19MAdTP23V0E6TQV_wPnV-a9yjEU2C0vGUU7jwJXytgzr-jRaD9QoFfOo" target="_blank">read</a>.xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-20067223190950790422015-03-09T20:37:00.003+08:002015-03-09T20:37:59.489+08:00Appreciate nay. <div>
Sometimes.. it's very frustrating.. simply because they want you to comprehend their situation and their unforeseen circumstances despite all their selfish doings are disappointing you, in fact it pisses you off big time.</div>
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Wait, I'm talking about me, not you.</div>
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Why is it that I have to be the one to have a mighty lot of patience when I am not the one in need to be patient? Why do I have to suck up to all your doings? Why don't you suck up to my explosive tantrums for no reason? Just because they are all your habits, I really do not see the need to swallow them up like a big-ass gust of air like nobody's business. THEN.. where should I express those unnecessary anger of yours at? Tell me. Every time I voice out my disapproval, a bullet hit me so hard that I couldn't even recall the root of the issue. Gee thanks.</div>
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The fact that you want respect gained upon you but your actions are not portraying that you are up for it because simple enough that you do not know how to even respect someone older than you, yes me.</div>
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I have said multiple times till the fact that I am even tired of listening it out from my mouth that you act how you want to be treated and be responsible of all your actions because those are all the consequences that you have to face YOURSELF.</div>
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There's a limit to my patience. A thin line.</div>
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Maybe I should move out. </div>
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At least days of seldom meeting, you might start to appreciate my existence a little more. </div>
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Still mad.</div>
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xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-51770748506569038562015-01-16T22:30:00.000+08:002015-03-09T20:55:13.718+08:00dare to be happyI am happy this morning.<br />
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I am still happy now.<br />
But I am afraid to be happy.<br />
Because something unhappy always happen thereafter.<br />
I had my fingers crossed today. :)xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-60221798845348931152014-12-24T20:50:00.000+08:002015-03-09T20:59:30.898+08:00无可救药的坚定I still remember the long way drive from Sri Damansara back to Klang on one Christmas eve two years go. Great impact. Felt a little better and yet a little bitter.<br />
<br />
Time flies. People go.<br />
Leaves fall as the dark crawls in.<br />
Feeling bitter. Maybe is the caffeine earlier.<br />
I regret. Of every word I said.<br />
Not because it was wrong, simply because it was you.<br />
<br />
Trust? I lose trust on love. Completely.<br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 16.8343486785889px;">爱? 让你略过慢长等待..</span><br />
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<br />
Exactly my point. Look at the damn date.<i> *<a href="http://michellastory.blogspot.com/2012/12/new-leaf.html" target="_blank">damn me</a>*</i>xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-23241236231944034052014-11-21T20:41:00.000+08:002015-03-09T20:43:03.462+08:00still not forgiven yetWhen the thought of you flashes in my mind, I just wished we never met.<br />
And sometimes your friend seems like diagnosed with goldfish-brain-syndrome that I wish you will wake up every morning and trip over your bathroom rug. Like maybe for three times.<br />
<br />
It hurt me so bad that I wish I could rewind time to the day we have never crossed path.<br />
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<br />xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-41772360386182033682014-10-10T03:36:00.001+08:002014-10-10T03:38:05.919+08:00A mule on lease After reminding myself endlessly to sleep early if I can, I still ended up in this current situation where I am so bloody tired inside but yet keeping my eyes wide open, knowing that I will wake up regretting tomorrow. This is so getting old. I just finished watching Running Man EP 213 and now even feeling more awake than usual. I know or knew I shouldn't be enjoying the fun and hilarious scenes of this episode but I couldn't help it. I am feeling oh-so-lazy. Maybe simply because I have not gotten any good long no-stress sleep since I'm back. Speaking of that, I have not stop feeling stress about work right after my 12 hours sleep on my first night home. I miss the daily routine I have in London. Felt healthy and right. Now? Back to sleepless nights, bad food timing and crazy hazy weathers. Sigh.xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-82772998747407452792014-10-06T22:59:00.001+08:002014-10-06T23:03:23.034+08:00London "Aired"<div>
Thoughts in London through my iPhone's Notes App.</div>
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So random.</div>
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<b>12/9/2014</b></div>
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Sitting here on the long bench at West Kensington station, waiting for the tube to go Tottenham Court. Yes to Primark again to request for our VAT receipts.</div>
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Watching people buzzing by, peeping at this lady's iPad wondering what ebook she's reading. Seems pretty interesting. "Revik stood behind me.."</div>
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Oh here comes the tube.</div>
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Till then.</div>
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<span style="color: #f6b26b;"><b>- -</b></span></div>
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<b>13/9/2014</b></div>
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Then I soon to realize the .. I am speechless. I have always wonder what would it be or what was it. Now that I know partially and some undeniable truth I somehow do not know what to do.</div>
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The selfishness in one person is scary. I have not and guess I won't be a person who will take your trust for granted. I might have the bitchy attitude but I have a good heart. I say what I think and perhaps this is not a good practice.</div>
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My hands turn cold, face flushes as I soon recognize those words. I do not know what to do. To trust this person further or should I be aware of every thought every word being carried out.</div>
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Sitting out here out in the cold, lit up and ..</div>
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Sigh.</div>
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Some people might think let bygones be bygones but bygones are experiences that money cannot buy. Hence to hold onto or not. The anger and the betrayal no longer stays, I've looked over it but that hint of disappointment still stays.</div>
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Letting go of smaller matters to look for a better future. It's time to do some 'growing-up' again I guess. Reaching the number of what I once most feared of isn't that intimidating anyway. Looking at the London sky, I hope I can overcome the doubts I have and soon to live a happier self. Pointless holding into grudges which shouldn't exist in the first place. This is how I want to live my life which no one would have a slightest chance to direct me a wrong path and shall let the friendship of 2 years fade by.</div>
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<b style="color: #f6b26b;">- -</b></div>
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<b>17/9/2014</b></div>
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On the double-decker coach from Hampstead Heath to Westminister, looking out of the window watching the world passed by. Babies in their carriages, dog-walkers, English architecture buildings, parks, brave cyclist, local markets, street arts and many many local culture staring up at me high on the coach. Little by little things come flashing upon where I came to realize there are a lot of things happening on 1 single second despite your mind is deep set in somewhere else. Time is too fast to catch up. It's an ugly reality check since ages ago but yet the denial is hard to rub off.</div>
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Walking upslope of Hampstead Heath park earlier was tiring. And due to the heavy English breakfast, easily caused heavy legs and laziness to rise up. But upon reaching the top, it was a magnificent view of some parts of London. As how the nice old lady mentioned yesterday when we were at Milton's Cafe, she said, "If you walked a little distance, you will feel like you earned it." True enough. The satisfaction was a blast. Lying on the grass, feeling the cold cold breeze and staring up the cloudless piece of white sky left me breathless yet speechless. Somehow a part of me just want the time to stop.</div>
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<b style="color: #f6b26b;">- -</b></div>
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<b>18/9/2014</b></div>
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9:31pm</div>
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Right now, just woke up from a short nap on the train back to London from Brighton. We just made a stop at London Blackfriars to switch back to Luton line.</div>
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Staring out into the dark, the dimmed lights flashing by, I narrowed my eyes trying to figure out what was I staring out at. I thought I saw a man standing by the window at his office building. There I thought perhaps he is the one. Alright I was thinking nonsense. Ha! But it is so bizarre sometimes that your life partner might be just few meters away from you today which you both are totally not aware of and one day you will meet and never realized you were actually eating side by side in the same quaint cafe tucked at the end of the street. Life's like that, huh? Perhaps I watched too much drama to even think as such but life gives us many surprises and hope. And now I am hoping.</div>
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Farringdon stop. We are so far from Brighton now. As I was walking down streets and streets of slopes in Brighton earlier today, I was thinking to myself that it was very much different than London here. Smaller shops, less sophisticated people and all the small narrow pedestrian streets. I don't quite like it here if I were given a choice to stay here. It's too "local".</div>
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Anyway we walked towards the beach after we bought our fish&chips takeaway. Out of nowhere a seagull flew from behind very near my head and quickly was only just snatched a bite of my fish and literally gave me a shock of my life and that I screamed.. Seconds later it all turned into a puddle of laughters. Sitting on hard pebbles, viewing the infinity line between the sky and ocean, it was something indescribable. I have never seen a beach with all pebbles and stones and there is not a grain of sand. The water was so cold and clear then once the waves splashed to my ankles, I could hardly tell if it was the pain of my tired legs, standing on hard rock pebbles or the icy cool water temperature which made my skin red. Oh it was a new feeling to discover and yet a new experience to remember.</div>
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<b style="color: #f6b26b;">- -</b></div>
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<b>29/9/2014</b></div>
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Staring out as the sky turned darker by each minute on the way back to Oxford from London. We spent a night with some backpackers in some hostel by the Park End Street in Oxford last night. Realizing there's only 3 more days that I'll be back in KL is kind of saddening. I am enjoying London as much as I started to like walking and tubes. Funny enough when you have started to get immune to the long walks, tired legs, dry skin you're bout to fly back to your tropical land. I might have liked London a little bit more that I expected. Before we flew here as this is my first trip to the European countries, I kept telling myself no expectations, don't imagine the impossibilities of liking the city as I do know myself that I do like cities like London as for the old streets, old building architecture, markets, food, afternoon tea, crazy weathers and many more which it would take forever for me to list down. Little do I know that I do really like the city. If it weren't for my family back home, I might in fact will even consider the pro n cons of staying here permanently. Perhaps I am overthinking or over-liking as this is just a short trip to one of this oldest city in the world and not knowing what are the behind the scenes stories of actually living here. Oh well this is just a quick thought flickering off my tired mind. Again I'm sad my holidays are soon over but looking forward as well to the daily boring life routine, family and friends who love me for who I am. Back to nap again, hope to catch at least half an hour before we reach Victoria Station. Till then.</div>
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<b>30/9/2014</b></div>
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Oh wow like less than 48 hours I'm stepping down the A380 in KLIA. 3 weeks just flew by. Walking down the 15 minutes trail from Alex's house to the tube station no longer felt that far away. Maybe this is our last walk, mixed emotions I guess.</div>
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Now sitting on the top level of the double-decker 204 bus heading to Wembley Central for some last minute shopping at some outlets. Fingers-crossed tightly, hope I don't buy anything as my luggage is fullllllll. Oh damn.</div>
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Oh look, bald tress. Autumn is really approaching pretty soon. Roy mentioned earlier that the weather will really be cold by end of the week but alas I'll be back in the never-cold land. Sigh gonna miss London.</div>
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xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-66913186143983517482014-03-06T03:39:00.000+08:002014-03-06T03:40:49.312+08:00A sharp horn indeed 3:01<br />
<br />
I have started a 100 happy days project 2 days ago for myself to truly believe that I can be genuinely happy for and with myself. I realized a lot lately. Thought I've seen enough of the people and everything around me that I can't help to wonder, "is it me? Or is it them?"<br />
<br />
I have never believe in changing one individual despite if it is his or her attitude, personality, ethics etc. Who am I to change or to even comment on their wrongbeings when they might not think they are at fault anyway. Their life, their call. Since you can not, should not and will not change one, you should start by changing yourself first. Meaning to say I am changing myself, at least I am trying to. A change in an environment, a change in my life routine, a change in my social circle. Maybe there can be a new start somewhere.<br />
<br />
I am tired. And friends whom I have lost the definition of friends to. Certain categories of friends influence certain impacts n parts of your life. I have never believe in bffs, which always lead from one disappointment to another and end up bffs ended up as never-was-a-friend. A change in myself hopefully I can develop a new vibe to the people around me. Why? Hi-bye friends will never understand you and not obligated to, close friends who claimed they know you well enough to one day betray you or literally tired of your constant ranting because you thought you at least have a friend who can listen to your rants instead of for once you are not the only one doing the listening.<br />
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Thinking too much, considering too much from different factors to only bury myself in a label in oversensitive behavior. It is time to really lay off and keep myself to only myself. Maybe that way I might feel more appreciated by people around me that they no longer have an oversensitive and overexpressive irritation around to make their life miserable. Some opinions are just not very much accepted. Maybe it is until the extend where I do not know what or how to think. A bizarre situation where I am stuck with fascination of not knowing how to live my life from my 30th year onwards.<br />
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Maybe I am wrong but I guess I'm always portraying the wrong vibe, wrong thoughts, wrong words wrong wrong wrong everything lately and to that I can't tell what I ever did was ever right. Why and how can some live in denial for so long and yet have the courage to put all the faults on me. Hence at the end of the day, I am my own culprit. I don't hold grudges but I want answers. Knowing the fact that there are a lot of questions that I can never ever have any answers somehow makes me feeling like an ultimate fool to even thought of you might be someone I can really trust. Perhaps trust is a strong word and we define friends differently.<br />
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Today, I told myself, forget and forget. Despite I know I am certainly not a piece of whiteboard that you can easily erase all traces in few swipes but I am fully aware that I have to adapt to my own mind changes. From today it's only me and myself. I have always been true and believe in genuine friendships that I have invested enough to know that at some point there won't be one harvesting season for me because there are always more interesting people to hang out with rather than yours truly. Due to that I still do care a lot about the people around me, it's just that I'm no longer aware or dare to believe that are they for real or I'm just a bootycall who is always available to be taken granted of. I might be sarcastic but is never vengeful.<br />
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I just want to be happy and I want people around me to be happy. I want to be passionate again to life, to see things differently. New change to a new vibe and environment. I am starting to prioritize myself and love me more.<br />
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I will stay true to myself.<br />
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<br />xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-11450114303578980982013-12-18T11:21:00.000+08:002013-12-18T11:24:21.878+08:00end of the day, always the tits and asses.Whenever I thought of penning here, it was never a good thing because you know I have got nowhere and no one to go to.<br />
Quite a shocker that it's so quiet at this hour of the day.<br />
Wednesday. Neither here nor there. Just another day stuck in between the blues and red district weekdays.<br />
<br />
Random thoughts flushing in like funny how girls like sappy quotes, interpreting their non-existence emo-ness, then get all emo-up and blue; leading to crappy FB statuses, which indirectly her bogus friends will click 'like'. Yeah I'm talking about yours truly. No matter how they think these sick quotes are somehow correlated, nah that just screams emo. Probably you can relate to certain ideas but then again those are the past. Bygones. So why bother reading those quotes and get emo over nothing? Yeah that's probably the question I'm asking myself over and over again. There are so many things that are trapping themselves in my crazy mind that I'm getting soooo tired of. Even sappy quotes can be one of them. Liking their pages on fb and instagram only to be greeted with silly heartbroken "inspiring" statement first thing in the morning, but yet still so stubborn and stupid enough to not delete them. Just let it flow through and hang in there. Such unacceptable nuisance. Yup that's me. Again. Then again I'm not happy. I am not happy. And why chinese songs must be soooo emo and always about breakups? Don't they have better things to write? Doofus.<br />
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And work, of all the assholes I met, subconsciously created a forum in my head titled "Why Work?"<br />
Work used to be my undying passion until lately all sorts of funny thoughts conquering. It's getting so tiring mentally. So tired of doing what I am doing every single day that I just wish I can disappear. Only reason to hang on now is the cold hard cash, and beats me, I'm transforming into a cinapek materialistic lian. I need the passion back, not get stuck between some minnan dramas. Some motivation and satisfaction that I've longed for. The fire the whatever that makes me excited to go to work, that is if they still exist somewhere. Work used to be fun until my mind ain't mine anymore.<br />
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And you, another unnecessary aged roller-coaster. I've been constantly reminded myself no no no no no and no. But sometimes things felt so right that.. you unknowingly.. well jinxed a badass curse onto it. When your actions contradicts with words, it was so odd, so indescribable that I didn't even know how to puzzle them up. But all the "what ifs,maybes" just vanished miraculously due to at least there is an answer now though indirect but at least that literally puts a stop to everything 'in-between". A definite disappointment but not a regret. Hit me like a sack of invisible wind suddenly outofnowhere. Never believe in that 3 letters but yet I still amazed myself with my acting skills despite I was drained flat of everything that was happening recently. Pokerbitch. One thing for sure, I felt used.<br />
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So this is just another ranting on another bright day on the outside and gloomy head in the inside. Life sucks but yet still need to hang on right? Give it a little hope everyday, right? Yeah yeah.<br />
See how oxymoron I am. I can't even stand myself.<br />
I kept telling myself, "It's just a phase. A turning point."<br />
It will be better. It just has to.<br />
<br />
It's very easy to remain all pessi over shits around you.<br />
It's contagious.<br />
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<br />xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-7343846694689740162013-05-29T00:21:00.000+08:002013-05-30T00:21:23.769+08:00little mermaid's storyYou're so fishy and I'm not even feeling suspicious anymore.<br />
Or should I say I do not know how to feel anymore.<br />
I'm a genius.<br />
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<br />xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-1716595869035723522013-05-28T23:35:00.000+08:002013-05-29T00:35:42.343+08:00Just a fool.I hate parking tickets.<br />
In fact I hate all tickets because I'm so bad at keeping them.<br />
Tonight will be the freaking 3rd time I misplaced or let my parking ticket run missing at Gardens. I paid five bucks for my ticket, took my balance and receipt but left the ticket there and I walked off like a queen. What a genius! When I reached my car then I realized I left the ticket at the machine. Went back to get it, it was gone but I found a ticket on top of the machine and guess what? The real lucky chap took my paid ticket and kindly left his there, hence I have to pay another 7 bucks. Oh well. Who am I to put faults when I'm the doofus in the first place. Ah I'm such a mess.<br />
<br />
Adding to the mess, recently I kept thinking of you but I kept telling myself I don't care and am walking away. Yeah like whatever. And I tell myself nothing will work out but that's just me trying to move on without you.xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-86636111792562203732013-05-28T02:29:00.001+08:002013-05-28T02:30:12.495+08:00我的天是灰色其實我不想對你戀戀不捨<br />我是真的為你.. <i>*paused*</i><br /><i>(i'm yet fill in the blanks)</i><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-87317324780646217142013-05-22T12:39:00.001+08:002013-05-22T12:43:23.148+08:00silence works. sometimes.Old songs with much <i>relatable </i>lyrics.<br />
Somehow sometimes I hate it.<br />
Today might be the day I "absorbed" entirely.<br />
Absurd.
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="300" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/VYCiGsMy8k4?feature=player_detailpage" width="420"></iframe></div>
xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-51011528914296742032013-05-14T02:07:00.000+08:002013-05-14T02:07:22.765+08:00Do all the things 'you' should have done<br />
Well we have all once let one go.<br />
Probably that's how we learn, but trusting another.. <i>*sigh</i><br />
Guess one will come to learn from mistakes or maybe not.<br />
Hence I am not holding on any longer.<br />
But damn you, the lyrics.<br />
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<i><br /></i>
<i>- -</i><br />
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<i>Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now</i><br />
<i>Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same</i><br />
<i>When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down</i><br />
<i>'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>It all just sounds like oooooh…</i><br />
<i>Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize</i><br />
<i>That I should have bought you flowers</i><br />
<i>And held your hand</i><br />
<i>Should have gave you all my hours</i><br />
<i>When I had the chance</i><br />
<i>Take you to every party</i><br />
<i>'Cause all you wanted to do was dance</i><br />
<i>Now my baby's dancing</i><br />
<i>But she's dancing with another man</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways</i><br />
<i>Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life</i><br />
<i>Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…</i><br />
<i>And it haunts me every time I close my eyes</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>It all just sounds like oooooh…</i><br />
<i>Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize</i><br />
<i>That I should have bought you flowers</i><br />
<i>And held your hand</i><br />
<i>Should have gave you all my hours</i><br />
<i>When I had the chance</i><br />
<i>Take you to every party</i><br />
<i>'Cause all you wanted to do was dance</i><br />
<i>Now my baby's dancing</i><br />
<i>But she's dancing with another man</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Although it hurts</i><br />
<i>I'll be the first to say that I was wrong</i><br />
<i>Oh, I know I'm probably much too late</i><br />
<i>To try and apologize for my mistakes</i><br />
<i>But I just want you to know</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I hope he buys you flowers</i><br />
<i>I hope he holds your hand</i><br />
<i>Give you all his hours</i><br />
<i>When he has the chance</i><br />
<i>Take you to every party</i><br />
<i>'Cause I remember how much you loved to dance</i><br />
<i>Do all the things I should have done</i><br />
<i>When I was your man</i><br />
<i>Do all the things I should have done</i><br />
<i>When I was your man</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<br />
xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-61366878068400260772013-05-09T21:15:00.000+08:002013-05-10T00:39:18.657+08:00last flight out<br />
Sitting in this small corner by the window staring out into the dark sky and penning this. The feeling of going back home to where I belong is overwhelming. I want to be back to a place where everything is friendly and familiar to me. Three days in Jakarta kinda make me homesick. I enjoyed the quiet nights in the small 18sqm room, two nights' routines of watching tv till I fell asleep, starbucks hot latte and working on my laptop listening to Anwar's inspiring live rally on YouTube at the background. I kinda feel so far far away. Lonely? Perhaps a little.<br />
<br />
Airplane bustling with Indonesian men chatting away, kids yakking away and air stewardess passing on food trays. Sigh. Again silly thoughts running through my head.<br />
<br />
Despite being accidentally poked by Mr Big Dude next to me several times, I just watched the final episode of Glee's Season 3 on my phone. Forgot that I actually still have this episode. Thought I deleted the app. Oh well. There are a lot of things that I am forgetting lately. Wasn't intentional but still slipped off my mind like nobody's business.<br />
<br />
But there is one thing that I can't seem to forget recently. Every time or should i say 'All the time'; just appear in my mind for no reason and definitely out of nowhere. I want to put a stop to it before I'm really treated as just a convenience or to-fill-in-the-blanks. Sometimes I'm happy having it but sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I hope I can believe my optimistic instincts but sometimes it just screams 'fraud' to your face. Fuuhhhh I am tired. Can I put a stop to it by quit acting like how I am still acting now?<br />
<br />
I always believe in 1 thing; which is 'everything happen for a reason'. Months ago till today I have still not figured it out and still hoping that the reason will soon surface.<br />
<br />
And James Blunt.. Your 'Brightest Star' is making me emotional.<br />
<br />
Perhaps this work trip is way too impromptu and unexpected. Last minute invitation to Jakarta, tickets and schedule confirmed at the nick of time. Caught unprepared but fortunately everything went well. But guess maybe this creates an emotional feeling which simply leads to my impatience to touchdown and take a deep breath of my homeland air. KL.<br />
<br />
15 more minutes...<br />
And my thanks to dugong Raymond for picking me up. You're improving in playing your 'Best Friend' role. Keep it up! Aja aja!! :)<br />
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xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-82656447787757433452013-05-05T19:16:00.000+08:002013-05-05T19:17:35.928+08:00really?I'm sitting here with retro furniture all around me, listening to The Beatles, with my Starbucks low-fat latte in my tumbler. But I'm not feeling it at all. Not feeling anything.<br />
Maybe a little hint of disappointment or confusion. I guess.<br />
I've been wanting to pen here for weeks but couldn't quite find time.<br />
Work has been a pain in the ass big time. Well as usual.<br />
With the particular addition that became addiction.<br />
That's sort of annoyingly unbearable.<br />
I don't know what I want and wish not to know too.<br />
On the other hand, I wish there's a final answer to it. Period.<br />
But who's giving the answer?<br />
<br />
I cannot bear to have another<i> "one-of-those-days".</i><br />
It's affecting my thoughts and emotion.<br />
<br />
Anyway what the fark.<br />
Life goes on, not like he cared anyway.<br />
Will be heading to Jakarta this Tuesday for work, hope all things will be good.<br />
<i>*fingerscrossed*</i>xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-16391416228045284152013-03-10T00:40:00.000+08:002013-03-10T00:41:18.608+08:00never say never<br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Neglected you for months, huh? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Guess he wasn't an issue anymore.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It's funny how some stuff can provoke you so much in that few months that now after some time it just didn't really matter much anymore. It still does leave that tingling feeling on and off but it just wasn't as serious. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Well, things have been busy and tiring but it was for all the good reasons. CNY celebration, sister's college admission, study loan etc, work, work and more work. It was all adaptable until tonight I am so fucking pissed off. Just saw red instantly. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I couldn't believe my ears. I do comprehend that everyone is different. I wasn't talking bout physical appearances or finance capabilities, I'm stating my point at personalities and maybe the levels of common sense.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Everyone starts stupid. That's harsh but true. Newborns don't walk on their first day. They wriggle around, crawling, stumbling, falling and failing and then fall and fall and fall then they learn to walk 'professionally' and permanently. It's unlikely of you that when the baby take his first step and fall right on his nose, you stop him from trying and learning for like ever? You let them try and fall and try. My point here fking TRY. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">You have to always at least try. Try to learn, try to do, try to accommodate, try to adapt, try to give, try to go... Try! You never try you will never know. You will never find out what are your limits! What you can do or what you can't do. You won't know because everyone is spoon feeding you in every way you can think of, will you still try or have the initiative to achieve things on your own when every little step is readily prepared for you to just plant your gentle feet on it? You'll walk through it like a breeze without realizing what you can do for yourself. What you can surprise yourself with. Because you haven't worries. You just follow the "procedures". </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It's not to force you to start a crime or kill someone, or any illegal acts. It's just a start of your daily life matters. Learning and experimenting. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I was too once a 17 year old girl who was also scared of stepping into the world of cruelty all by her own. Taking my first public transport, my first orientation day, my first driving-on-my-own day, my first time talking to a stranger, my first walking through a quiet back alley, my first time being molested in the train station, my first time in everything.. I do know the feeling of fear. Language might not be a barrier but the fear of trying do occur. The fear of trying is so unpredictable. Till at some point of being scared all the time just make you realize that you have to do something, change for the better. You just got to step up. If you don't help yourself who will? You have to start learning. I learnt things the ugly way too, I am not born knowing everything I know today. I may sound like know-it-all bitch now to you but why didn't it occurred to you that what makes me who I am today that I can eventually tell you to go experiment your own world.. You never get the same minute twice, then why don't you at least give yourself a chance to try to explore it on your own? If things go wrong, try it another way. Learn from mistakes. We can guide you but not do things for you. Period. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">At the end of the day, I'm just a black sheep. A negative black sheep that is allegedly "targeted" to have no concern, no understanding or no worries because I'm claimed as being cold hearted and selfish. Hence no one wants to tell me anything because I speak the ugly truth. What's wrong with believing in learning, trying and experimenting, and being dependent? Ask yourself how many people out there that you can depend on every single day on every single thing, doing it on a repetitive daily basis mode? What if one day the spoon feeding just stop? No next step plans, nothing is prepared for you.. Perhaps that's when you crumble and fall because you never never know how to try or how to convey things on your own. Never know how to do things on you own. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">What's your issue? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Unsure of things as simple as finding a car parking? </span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
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xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-44037103389751809412013-01-02T02:16:00.000+08:002013-01-03T02:17:46.086+08:00twenty thirteen<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Happy New Year 2013!!</b><br />and some New Year resolutions though I don't believe in 'em..</div>
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But I saw some nice quotes, so hopefully I will believe in those words.</div>
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And hell yeah to a new year! That baggage is so way off behind me. </div>
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Packed, sealed and recycled at 11:59:59_31-Dec-2012.</div>
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<i>*pats on my own back*</i></div>
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Hence, farewell to 2012 and let the new year be the time to unfold new horizons,<br />
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and gear up for new challenges and dreams.</div>
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xoxo, Michelle.</div>
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xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-71144087432967080482012-12-29T12:34:00.000+08:002012-12-29T12:34:33.910+08:00it is hellI just completed Hell's Kitchen Season 8.<br />
<i>*evil laughs* </i>all in two nights when I'm working on my design proposals.<br />
Starting on Season 9. Distress me totally and gave me a few laughs.<br />
<br />
I like Gordon. Really. He's perfect. <i>(at least for his HK reality show though)</i><br />
Love his sarcasm and profanity. Entertaining.<br />
He was a footballer back then turned celebrity chef.<br />
Worked his ass up. Like wow.<br />
He inspires me in mixed feelings from admiration to scorn and to passionate.<br />
He's tough and take no crap from people, which leads to him speaking his mind out straight and his constant cursing became a part of his charm and personality.<br />
But he can be a meaner, very arrogant and bully.<br />
I wouldn't want to appear in the same room with him when he's being hot up all in his head. But well they are constantly working in a hot stressful kitchen, you expect dainty talking? He has this passion and expectation so high up that everything matters before he put them on the table. You might say it's all reality show format whatsoever but I'm just enjoying what I'm watching. Not going to think what's beyond the show.<br />
And and and he does a lot of great work of charity. Kudos.<br />
<br />
I'm babbling, ain't I? Haha.<br />
I'm just distressing.<br />
<br />
Okay back to episode 4 and work.<br />
Peace out.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-67717679068744671622012-12-27T03:05:00.001+08:002012-12-27T03:07:17.958+08:00with or without meant nothin' anymoreYou know, I heard this song like ten thousand trillion times before...<br />
but.. but never ever noticed her lyrics.<br />
It is quite "power-talking". Haha.<br />
<br />
It finally caught my attention when I was driving home earlier from a long day of work..<br />
It was on air.. and well it hit me on the chorus; right on the sec I was thinking of something similar. Anyway the song was<b> Demi Lovato's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_8ydghbGSg" target="_blank">Skyscraper</a></b>.<br />
<div style="font-style: italic;">
<i><br /></i></div>
It was this part at first..<br />
<br />
<i><span style="color: #c27ba0;">As the smoke clears, I awaken,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #c27ba0;">And untangle you from me,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #c27ba0;">Would it make you feel better,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #c27ba0;">To watch me while I bleed?</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #c27ba0;">All my windows still are broken,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #c27ba0;">But I'm standing on my feet.</span></i><br />
<br />
then...<br />
<br />
<i><span style="color: #c27ba0;">You can take everything I have,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #c27ba0;">You can break everything I am,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #c27ba0;">Like I'm made of glass,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #c27ba0;">Like I'm made of paper,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #c27ba0;">Go on and try to tear me down,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #c27ba0;">I will be rising from the ground,</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #c27ba0;">Like a skyscraper.</span></i><br />
<br />
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<div>
Dumbstruck and I laughed out loud. </div>
<div>
How ironic.</div>
<div>
How coincident things can be. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
But I am happy today.</div>
<div>
Somehow or rather the clouds hid away and the sun is back.</div>
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Hope tomorrow will <u>always</u> be a better day. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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<i>*fingerscrossed*</i></div>
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xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-86091147022485862022012-12-25T17:46:00.001+08:002012-12-25T17:46:48.437+08:00ChristmasIt's Christmas.<br />
Was out with the girls till 6am in the morning.<br />
Came home bout 1pm and slept till err now?<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-YdfZgL2fqwWd4ijbaW7YW3pZqXnPYxqf0Q82pXiIoyP4hLwqlgL7a049BLmXpJ6xqCIggjFzarXxU2lg4onMqXZD_oTe19uiwqiQwHzm324xXOV_plwCaTqyHzRUG5fDg3ZO/s1600/velvetxmas12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="196" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-YdfZgL2fqwWd4ijbaW7YW3pZqXnPYxqf0Q82pXiIoyP4hLwqlgL7a049BLmXpJ6xqCIggjFzarXxU2lg4onMqXZD_oTe19uiwqiQwHzm324xXOV_plwCaTqyHzRUG5fDg3ZO/s400/velvetxmas12.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Anyway, it's Christmas.<br />
As they say, the blessings of the peace, the beauty of hope, the spirit of the love and the comfort of faith..<br />
May all these be my gifts for the Christmas season.<br />
And I wish I can spend my Christmas next year with a special one I dear.<br />
I think I had enough of 'single' Christmases.<br />
<br />
<br />
Merry Christmas.<br />
xoxo.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-43847628031609878752012-12-24T17:21:00.000+08:002012-12-24T17:25:52.366+08:00paint to find?Hmm.. read this phrase somewhere...<br />
<i>"Being alone and recognition of that reality is part of the maturation process; part of becoming an individual human being..."</i><br />
<br />
--<br />
<br />
Well anyway, I felt better in a way.<br />
Spent my afternoon rendering some illustration for this new apartment project, painting my nails with OPI's Gold Spark De Triomphe while waiting and watching reruns of <a href="http://www.cucirca.com/2009/06/21/watch-supernatural-online/" target="_blank">Supernatural Season 1</a>.<br />
After a while I started on my <a href="http://piy.com.my/" target="_blank">PIY</a>. I bought an empty PIY canvas few days ago.<br />
Cost me like 99bucks for a 40x50cm.<br />
At first I was skeptical but after getting started on it, I was actually glad.<br />
Not as easy as you think it is.<br />
Most importantly, I found a new hobby that eventually can remove evil thoughts off my mind.<br />
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Having to know how to express yourself through art is something words can't explain. </div>
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Art as a hobby.. you have the freedom, relaxation and I might even say, fun,</div>
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I might get another one after I completed this piece. </div>
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If I have more time, I might.. get hands-on on oil painting again.</div>
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Re-discover myself with strokes of colourful brushes.</div>
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Sounds good eh?</div>
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xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-10570634762079416352012-12-24T11:05:00.001+08:002012-12-24T11:05:23.810+08:00chemical romanceClock strikes 11:03am.<br />
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One minute I felt it.<br />
One minute I don't.<br />
It's Christmas Eve.<br />I don't feel the joy.<br />
I just want to crawl up in my bed and sleep.<br />
At least I don't feel anything then.<br />
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It's messing with my mind, big time.<br />
There's work, there's him, there's her, there's all the stress up there.<br />
I have always LOVE year ends, but I really feel like crap now.<br />
I just want to be alone and not do anything. Nothing. Nothing at all.<br />
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If only the time stopped.. just freeze the moment.<br />
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<br />xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9780450.post-63546543357349892302012-12-23T00:36:00.000+08:002012-12-23T00:55:21.975+08:00喜歡不是愛Somehow stumbled onto the instrumental guitar version of this song on some guy's blog.<br />
Caught my attention hence I googled it.<br />
Never a big fan of mandarin pop songs.. never knew who sang which..<br />
Hmm.. just very selected few but this song kind of<i> bugged-on</i> me.<br />
Well in a good way, sorta. Lyrics are pretty much related in a few phrases..<br />
Anyway I like it and I think she's adorable.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/dEfN87cH-n8" width="480"></iframe>
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我閉上眼睛 貼著你心跳呼吸<br />
而此刻地球 只剩我們而已<br />
你微笑的唇型 總勾著我的心<br />
每一秒初吻 我每一秒都想要吻你<br />
<br />
就這樣 愛你愛你愛你 隨時都要一起<br />
我喜歡 愛你外套味道 還有你的懷裡<br />
把我們 衣服鈕扣互扣 那就不用分離<br />
美好愛情 我就愛這樣貼近 因為你<br />
<br />
有時沒生氣 故意鬧脾氣<br />
<span style="color: orange;"><b>你的緊張在意 讓我覺得安心</b></span><br />
<span style="color: orange;"><b>從你某個角度 我總看見自己<br />到底你懂我 或其實我本來就像你</b></span><br />
<br />
想變成你的氧氣 溜進你身體裡<br />
好好看看在你心裡<br />
你有多麼寶貝 我愛你<br />
<br />
就這樣 愛你愛你愛你 隨時都要一起<br />
我喜歡 愛你外套味道 還有你的懷裡<br />
把我們 衣服鈕扣互扣 那就不用分離<br />
美好愛情 我就愛這樣貼近 因為你<br />
我們愛情 會一直沒有距離 最美麗<br />
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Her official MV <i>*<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5XuXKxjdEI" target="_blank">here</a>*</i><br />
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xxmichellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05470430846118516161noreply@blogger.com0