doubting and disinterested leading on

Been awhile since I last spluttered some words out here..
Busy at usual.. but feeling ain't that enthusiastic anymore.

I started to hate what I really like doing. Sometimes I must say.
These nerves really testing my patience.
y'know.. it's all stucked up my throat..
not knowing the right words to spill out here..

I was told my patience wearing thin, heavy mood swings..
which somehow I am aware of most of the times ONLY after it happened.
At seconds when I trumpet-ed out, instantly I regretted.
It's getting harder and harder to control due to some reasons I shall not disclose.
I tried to break out from the emo gut feeling..
but sometimes it just took off, not allowing me to hit the brakes.
Where's my warning???
It's suffocating looking at all of it smeared everywhere on my table.

I know it's duhh... daily affairs.. same old same old.. but I'm getting pretty tired.
Decision-making are dreadful especially when you're not belt-ed to the driver seat.
Pondering on yes's and no's ended up.. to maybe, not sure, will get back to you soon.
I longed for previous peaceful times and not as present to be thrown behind cold bars.
Time's ticking fast.. i know..
some say there ain't enough time to catch up with the world spinning like nobody's business... but somehow I think slow & steady ain't that bad either. At least to learn new things. Being suddenly thrown smack right into the middle.. deserting you in the midst of nowhere.
To pick up everything on your own, only words and actions of "despised" sarcasm to keep you accompany. I've really got no clue on how long more I can possibly stand.
The urge to do better sometimes ain't there anymore due to some unexpected results.
The drive is gone. I'm seeking it back. BADLY.
I do not wish or want to let go what I've accomplished so far..
thus the "hanging-in-there" is still on. ON for good.
I want to challenge me. I want to see how far more I can "mugged" all this down.


But at the same time, I really need to get some "screaming" done and over with.
Some way some how. If not I smell my stir to trouble.
I need to release.
But I still do not know how.
Goddamnit.





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