无可救药的坚定

I still remember the long way drive from Sri Damansara back to Klang on one Christmas eve two years go. Great impact. Felt a little better and yet a little bitter.

Time flies. People go.
Leaves fall as the dark crawls in.
Feeling bitter. Maybe is the caffeine earlier.
I regret. Of every word I said.
Not because it was wrong, simply because it was you.

Trust? I lose trust on love. Completely.
爱? 让你略过慢长等待..




Exactly my point. Look at the damn date. *damn me*

still not forgiven yet

When the thought of you flashes in my mind, I just wished we never met.
And sometimes your friend seems like diagnosed with goldfish-brain-syndrome that I wish you will wake up every morning and trip over your bathroom rug. Like maybe for three times.

It hurt me so bad that I wish I could rewind time to the day we have never crossed path.

A mule on lease

After reminding myself endlessly to sleep early if I can, I still ended up in this current situation where I am so bloody tired inside but yet keeping my eyes wide open, knowing that I will wake up regretting tomorrow. This is so getting old. I just finished watching Running Man EP 213 and now even feeling more awake than usual. I know or knew I shouldn't be enjoying the fun and hilarious scenes of this episode but I couldn't help it. I am feeling oh-so-lazy. Maybe simply because I have not gotten any good long no-stress sleep since I'm back. Speaking of that, I have not stop feeling stress about work right after my 12 hours sleep on my first night home. I miss the daily routine I have in London. Felt healthy and right. Now? Back to sleepless nights, bad food timing and crazy hazy weathers. Sigh.

London "Aired"

Thoughts in London through my iPhone's Notes App.

So random.

12/9/2014

Sitting here on the long bench at West Kensington station, waiting for the tube to go Tottenham Court. Yes to Primark again to request for our VAT receipts.

Watching people buzzing by, peeping at this lady's iPad wondering what ebook she's reading. Seems pretty interesting. "Revik stood behind me.."

Oh here comes the tube.

Till then.

- -

13/9/2014

Then I soon to realize the .. I am speechless. I have always wonder what would it be or what was it. Now that I know partially and some undeniable truth I somehow do not know what to do.

The selfishness in one person is scary. I have not and guess I won't be a person who will take your trust for granted. I might have the bitchy attitude but I have a good heart. I say what I think and perhaps this is not a good practice.

My hands turn cold, face flushes as I soon recognize those words. I do not know what to do. To trust this person further or should I be aware of every thought every word being carried out.

Sitting out here out in the cold, lit up and ..

Sigh.

Some people might think let bygones be bygones but bygones are experiences that money cannot buy. Hence to hold onto or not. The anger and the betrayal no longer stays, I've looked over it but that hint of disappointment still stays.

Letting go of smaller matters to look for a better future. It's time to do some 'growing-up' again I guess. Reaching the number of what I once most feared of isn't that intimidating anyway. Looking at the London sky, I hope I can overcome the doubts I have and soon to live a happier self. Pointless holding into grudges which shouldn't exist in the first place. This is how I want to live my life which no one would have a slightest chance to direct me a wrong path and shall let the friendship of 2 years fade by.

- -

17/9/2014

On the double-decker coach from Hampstead Heath to Westminister, looking out of the window watching the world passed by. Babies in their carriages, dog-walkers, English architecture buildings, parks, brave cyclist, local markets, street arts and many many local culture staring up at me high on the coach. Little by little things come flashing upon where I came to realize there are a lot of things happening on 1 single second despite your mind is deep set in somewhere else. Time is too fast to catch up. It's an ugly reality check since ages ago but yet the denial is hard to rub off.

Walking upslope of Hampstead Heath park earlier was tiring. And due to the heavy English breakfast, easily caused heavy legs and laziness to rise up. But upon reaching the top, it was a magnificent view of some parts of London. As how the nice old lady mentioned yesterday when we were at Milton's Cafe, she said, "If you walked a little distance, you will feel like you earned it." True enough. The satisfaction was a blast. Lying on the grass, feeling the cold cold breeze and staring up the cloudless piece of white sky left me breathless yet speechless. Somehow a part of me just want the time to stop.

- -

18/9/2014

9:31pm

Right now, just woke up from a short nap on the train back to London from Brighton. We just made a stop at London Blackfriars to switch back to Luton line.

Staring out into the dark, the dimmed lights flashing by, I narrowed my eyes trying to figure out what was I staring out at. I thought I saw a man standing by the window at his office building. There I thought perhaps he is the one. Alright I was thinking nonsense. Ha! But it is so bizarre sometimes that your life partner might be just few meters away from you today which you both are totally not aware of and one day you will meet and never realized you were actually eating side by side in the same quaint cafe tucked at the end of the street. Life's like that, huh? Perhaps I watched too much drama to even think as such but life gives us many surprises and hope. And now I am hoping.

Farringdon stop. We are so far from Brighton now. As I was walking down streets and streets of slopes in Brighton earlier today, I was thinking to myself that it was very much different than London here. Smaller shops, less sophisticated people and all the small narrow pedestrian streets. I don't quite like it here if I were given a choice to stay here. It's too "local".

Anyway we walked towards the beach after we bought our fish&chips takeaway. Out of nowhere a seagull flew from behind very near my head and quickly was only just snatched a bite of my fish and literally gave me a shock of my life and that I screamed.. Seconds later it all turned into a puddle of laughters. Sitting on hard pebbles, viewing the infinity line between the sky and ocean, it was something indescribable. I have never seen a beach with all pebbles and stones and there is not a grain of sand. The water was so cold and clear then once the waves splashed to my ankles, I could hardly tell if it was the pain of my tired legs, standing on hard rock pebbles or the icy cool water temperature which made my skin red. Oh it was a new feeling to discover and yet a new experience to remember.

- -

29/9/2014

Staring out as the sky turned darker by each minute on the way back to Oxford from London. We spent a night with some backpackers in some hostel by the Park End Street in Oxford last night. Realizing there's only 3 more days that I'll be back in KL is kind of saddening. I am enjoying London as much as I started to like walking and tubes. Funny enough when you have started to get immune to the long walks, tired legs, dry skin you're bout to fly back to your tropical land. I might have liked London a little bit more that I expected. Before we flew here as this is my first trip to the European countries, I kept telling myself no expectations, don't imagine the impossibilities of liking the city as I do know myself that I do like cities like London as for the old streets, old building architecture, markets, food, afternoon tea, crazy weathers and many more which it would take forever for me to list down. Little do I know that I do really like the city. If it weren't for my family back home, I might in fact will even consider the pro n cons of staying here permanently. Perhaps I am overthinking or over-liking as this is just a short trip to one of this oldest city in the world and not knowing what are the behind the scenes stories of actually living here. Oh well this is just a quick thought flickering off my tired mind. Again I'm sad my holidays are soon over but looking forward as well to the daily boring life routine, family and friends who love me for who I am. Back to nap again, hope to catch at least half an hour before we reach Victoria Station. Till then.

- -

30/9/2014

Oh wow like less than 48 hours I'm stepping down the A380 in KLIA. 3 weeks just flew by. Walking down the 15 minutes trail from Alex's house to the tube station no longer felt that far away. Maybe this is our last walk, mixed emotions I guess.

Now sitting on the top level of the double-decker 204 bus heading to Wembley Central for some last minute shopping at some outlets. Fingers-crossed tightly, hope I don't buy anything as my luggage is fullllllll. Oh damn.

Oh look, bald tress. Autumn is really approaching pretty soon. Roy mentioned earlier that the weather will really be cold by end of the week but alas I'll be back in the never-cold land. Sigh gonna miss London.

A sharp horn indeed

3:01

I have started a 100 happy days project 2 days ago for myself to truly believe that I can be genuinely happy for and with myself. I realized a lot lately. Thought I've seen enough of the people and everything around me that I can't help to wonder, "is it me? Or is it them?"

I have never believe in changing one individual despite if it is his or her attitude, personality, ethics etc. Who am I to change or to even comment on their wrongbeings when they might not think they are at fault anyway. Their life, their call. Since you can not, should not and will not change one, you should start by changing yourself first. Meaning to say I am changing myself, at least I am trying to. A change in an environment, a change in my life routine, a change in my social circle. Maybe there can be a new start somewhere.

I am tired. And friends whom I have lost the definition of friends to. Certain categories of friends influence certain impacts n parts of your life. I have never believe in bffs, which always lead from one disappointment to another and end up bffs ended up as never-was-a-friend. A change in myself hopefully I can develop a new vibe to the people around me. Why? Hi-bye friends will never understand you and not obligated to, close friends who claimed they know you well enough to one day betray you or literally tired of your constant ranting because you thought you at least have a friend who can listen to your rants instead of for once you are not the only one doing the listening.

Thinking too much, considering too much from different factors to only bury myself in a label in oversensitive behavior. It is time to really lay off and keep myself to only myself. Maybe that way I might feel more appreciated by people around me that they no longer have an oversensitive and overexpressive irritation around to make their life miserable. Some opinions are just not very much accepted. Maybe it is until the extend where I do not know what or how to think. A bizarre situation where I am stuck with fascination of not knowing how to live my life from my 30th year onwards.

Maybe I am wrong but I guess I'm always portraying the wrong vibe, wrong thoughts, wrong words wrong wrong wrong everything lately and to that I can't tell what I ever did was ever right. Why and how can some live in denial for so long and yet have the courage to put all the faults on me. Hence at the end of the day, I am my own culprit. I don't hold grudges but I want answers. Knowing the fact that there are a lot of questions that I can never ever have any answers somehow makes me feeling like an ultimate fool to even thought of you might be someone I can really trust. Perhaps trust is a strong word and we define friends differently.

Today, I told myself, forget and forget. Despite I know I am certainly not a piece of whiteboard that you can easily erase all traces in few swipes but I am fully aware that I have to adapt to my own mind changes. From today it's only me and myself. I have always been true and believe in genuine friendships that I have invested enough to know that at some point there won't be one harvesting season for me because there are always more interesting people to hang out with rather than yours truly. Due to that I still do care a lot about the people around me, it's just that I'm no longer aware or dare to believe that are they for real or I'm just a bootycall who is always available to be taken granted of. I might be sarcastic but is never vengeful.

I just want to be happy and I want people around me to be happy. I want to be passionate again to life, to see things differently. New change to a new vibe and environment. I am starting to prioritize myself and love me more.

I will stay true to myself.