Thursday, March 06, 2014

A sharp horn indeed


I have started a 100 happy days project 2 days ago for myself to truly believe that I can be genuinely happy for and with myself. I realized a lot lately. Thought I've seen enough of the people and everything around me that I can't help to wonder, "is it me? Or is it them?"

I have never believe in changing one individual despite if it is his or her attitude, personality, ethics etc. Who am I to change or to even comment on their wrongbeings when they might not think they are at fault anyway. Their life, their call. Since you can not, should not and will not change one, you should start by changing yourself first. Meaning to say I am changing myself, at least I am trying to. A change in an environment, a change in my life routine, a change in my social circle. Maybe there can be a new start somewhere.

I am tired. And friends whom I have lost the definition of friends to. Certain categories of friends influence certain impacts n parts of your life. I have never believe in bffs, which always lead from one disappointment to another and end up bffs ended up as never-was-a-friend. A change in myself hopefully I can develop a new vibe to the people around me. Why? Hi-bye friends will never understand you and not obligated to, close friends who claimed they know you well enough to one day betray you or literally tired of your constant ranting because you thought you at least have a friend who can listen to your rants instead of for once you are not the only one doing the listening.

Thinking too much, considering too much from different factors to only bury myself in a label in oversensitive behavior. It is time to really lay off and keep myself to only myself. Maybe that way I might feel more appreciated by people around me that they no longer have an oversensitive and overexpressive irritation around to make their life miserable. Some opinions are just not very much accepted. Maybe it is until the extend where I do not know what or how to think. A bizarre situation where I am stuck with fascination of not knowing how to live my life from my 30th year onwards.

Maybe I am wrong but I guess I'm always portraying the wrong vibe, wrong thoughts, wrong words wrong wrong wrong everything lately and to that I can't tell what I ever did was ever right. Why and how can some live in denial for so long and yet have the courage to put all the faults on me. Hence at the end of the day, I am my own culprit. I don't hold grudges but I want answers. Knowing the fact that there are a lot of questions that I can never ever have any answers somehow makes me feeling like an ultimate fool to even thought of you might be someone I can really trust. Perhaps trust is a strong word and we define friends differently.

Today, I told myself, forget and forget. Despite I know I am certainly not a piece of whiteboard that you can easily erase all traces in few swipes but I am fully aware that I have to adapt to my own mind changes. From today it's only me and myself. I have always been true and believe in genuine friendships that I have invested enough to know that at some point there won't be one harvesting season for me because there are always more interesting people to hang out with rather than yours truly. Due to that I still do care a lot about the people around me, it's just that I'm no longer aware or dare to believe that are they for real or I'm just a bootycall who is always available to be taken granted of. I might be sarcastic but is never vengeful.

I just want to be happy and I want people around me to be happy. I want to be passionate again to life, to see things differently. New change to a new vibe and environment. I am starting to prioritize myself and love me more.

I will stay true to myself.

No comments: