Thursday, March 06, 2014

A sharp horn indeed

3:01

I have started a 100 happy days project 2 days ago for myself to truly believe that I can be genuinely happy for and with myself. I realized a lot lately. Thought I've seen enough of the people and everything around me that I can't help to wonder, "is it me? Or is it them?"

I have never believe in changing one individual despite if it is his or her attitude, personality, ethics etc. Who am I to change or to even comment on their wrongbeings when they might not think they are at fault anyway. Their life, their call. Since you can not, should not and will not change one, you should start by changing yourself first. Meaning to say I am changing myself, at least I am trying to. A change in an environment, a change in my life routine, a change in my social circle. Maybe there can be a new start somewhere.

I am tired. And friends whom I have lost the definition of friends to. Certain categories of friends influence certain impacts n parts of your life. I have never believe in bffs, which always lead from one disappointment to another and end up bffs ended up as never-was-a-friend. A change in myself hopefully I can develop a new vibe to the people around me. Why? Hi-bye friends will never understand you and not obligated to, close friends who claimed they know you well enough to one day betray you or literally tired of your constant ranting because you thought you at least have a friend who can listen to your rants instead of for once you are not the only one doing the listening.

Thinking too much, considering too much from different factors to only bury myself in a label in oversensitive behavior. It is time to really lay off and keep myself to only myself. Maybe that way I might feel more appreciated by people around me that they no longer have an oversensitive and overexpressive irritation around to make their life miserable. Some opinions are just not very much accepted. Maybe it is until the extend where I do not know what or how to think. A bizarre situation where I am stuck with fascination of not knowing how to live my life from my 30th year onwards.

Maybe I am wrong but I guess I'm always portraying the wrong vibe, wrong thoughts, wrong words wrong wrong wrong everything lately and to that I can't tell what I ever did was ever right. Why and how can some live in denial for so long and yet have the courage to put all the faults on me. Hence at the end of the day, I am my own culprit. I don't hold grudges but I want answers. Knowing the fact that there are a lot of questions that I can never ever have any answers somehow makes me feeling like an ultimate fool to even thought of you might be someone I can really trust. Perhaps trust is a strong word and we define friends differently.

Today, I told myself, forget and forget. Despite I know I am certainly not a piece of whiteboard that you can easily erase all traces in few swipes but I am fully aware that I have to adapt to my own mind changes. From today it's only me and myself. I have always been true and believe in genuine friendships that I have invested enough to know that at some point there won't be one harvesting season for me because there are always more interesting people to hang out with rather than yours truly. Due to that I still do care a lot about the people around me, it's just that I'm no longer aware or dare to believe that are they for real or I'm just a bootycall who is always available to be taken granted of. I might be sarcastic but is never vengeful.

I just want to be happy and I want people around me to be happy. I want to be passionate again to life, to see things differently. New change to a new vibe and environment. I am starting to prioritize myself and love me more.

I will stay true to myself.


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

end of the day, always the tits and asses.

Whenever I thought of penning here, it was never a good thing because you know I have got nowhere and no one to go to.
Quite a shocker that it's so quiet at this hour of the day.
Wednesday. Neither here nor there. Just another day stuck in between the blues and red district weekdays.

Random thoughts flushing in like funny how girls like sappy quotes, interpreting their non-existence emo-ness, then get all emo-up and blue; leading to crappy FB statuses, which indirectly her bogus friends will click 'like'. Yeah I'm talking about yours truly. No matter how they think these sick quotes are somehow correlated, nah that just screams emo. Probably you can relate to certain ideas but then again those are the past. Bygones. So why bother reading those quotes and get emo over nothing? Yeah that's probably the question I'm asking myself over and over again. There are so many things that are trapping themselves in my crazy mind that I'm getting soooo tired of. Even sappy quotes can be one of them. Liking their pages on fb and instagram only to be greeted with silly heartbroken "inspiring" statement first thing in the morning, but yet still so stubborn and stupid enough to not delete them. Just let it flow through and hang in there. Such unacceptable nuisance. Yup that's me. Again. Then again I'm not happy. I am not happy. And why chinese songs must be soooo emo and always about breakups? Don't they have better things to write? Doofus.

And work, of all the assholes I met, subconsciously created a forum in my head titled "Why Work?"
Work used to be my undying passion until lately all sorts of funny thoughts conquering. It's getting so tiring mentally. So tired of doing what I am doing every single day that I just wish I can disappear. Only reason to hang on now is the cold hard cash, and beats me, I'm transforming into a cinapek materialistic lian. I need the passion back, not get stuck between some minnan dramas. Some motivation and satisfaction that I've longed for. The fire the whatever that makes me excited to go to work, that is if they still exist somewhere. Work used to be fun until my mind ain't mine anymore.

And you, another unnecessary aged roller-coaster. I've been constantly reminded myself no no no no no and no. But sometimes things felt so right that.. you unknowingly.. well jinxed a badass curse onto it. When your actions contradicts with words, it was so odd, so indescribable that I didn't even know how to puzzle them up. But all the "what ifs,maybes" just vanished miraculously due to at least there is an answer now though indirect but at least that literally puts a stop to everything 'in-between". A definite disappointment but not a regret. Hit me like a sack of invisible wind suddenly outofnowhere. Never believe in that 3 letters but yet I still amazed myself with my acting skills despite I was drained flat of everything that was happening recently. Pokerbitch. One thing for sure, I felt used.

So this is just another ranting on another bright day on the outside and gloomy head in the inside. Life sucks but yet still need to hang on right? Give it a little hope everyday, right? Yeah yeah.
See how oxymoron I am. I can't even stand myself.
I kept telling myself, "It's just a phase. A turning point."
It will be better. It just has to.

It's very easy to remain all pessi over shits around you.
It's contagious.





Wednesday, May 29, 2013

little mermaid's story

You're so fishy and I'm not even feeling suspicious anymore.
Or should I say I do not know how to feel anymore.
I'm a genius.



Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Just a fool.

I hate parking tickets.
In fact I hate all tickets because I'm so bad at keeping them.
Tonight will be the freaking 3rd time I misplaced or let my parking ticket run missing at Gardens. I paid five bucks for my ticket, took my balance and receipt but left the ticket there and I walked off like a queen. What a genius! When I reached my car then I realized I left the ticket at the machine. Went back to get it, it was gone but I found a ticket on top of the machine and guess what? The real lucky chap took my paid ticket and kindly left his there, hence I have to pay another 7 bucks. Oh well. Who am I to put faults when I'm the doofus in the first place. Ah I'm such a mess.

Adding to the mess, recently I kept thinking of you but I kept telling myself I don't care and am walking away. Yeah like whatever. And I tell myself nothing will work out but that's just me trying to move on without you.

我的天是灰色

其實我不想對你戀戀不捨
我是真的為你.. *paused*
(i'm yet fill in the blanks)




Wednesday, May 22, 2013

silence works. sometimes.

Old songs with much relatable lyrics.
Somehow sometimes I hate it.
Today might be the day I "absorbed" entirely.
Absurd.


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Do all the things 'you' should have done


Well we have all once let one go.
Probably that's how we learn, but trusting another.. *sigh
Guess one will come to learn from mistakes or maybe not.
Hence I am not holding on any longer.
But damn you, the lyrics.


- -

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

Although it hurts
I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know

I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man


Thursday, May 09, 2013

last flight out


Sitting in this small corner by the window staring out into the dark sky and penning this. The feeling of going back home to where I belong is overwhelming. I want to be back to a place where everything is friendly and familiar to me. Three days in Jakarta kinda make me homesick. I enjoyed the quiet nights in the small 18sqm room, two nights' routines of watching tv till I fell asleep, starbucks hot latte and working on my laptop listening to Anwar's inspiring live rally on YouTube at the background. I kinda feel so far far away. Lonely? Perhaps a little.

Airplane bustling with Indonesian men chatting away, kids yakking away and air stewardess passing on food trays. Sigh. Again silly thoughts running through my head.

Despite being accidentally poked by Mr Big Dude next to me several times, I just watched the final episode of Glee's Season 3 on my phone. Forgot that I actually still have this episode. Thought I deleted the app. Oh well. There are a lot of things that I am forgetting lately. Wasn't intentional but still slipped off my mind like nobody's business.

But there is one thing that I can't seem to forget recently. Every time or should i say 'All the time'; just appear in my mind for no reason and definitely out of nowhere. I want to put a stop to it before I'm really treated as just a convenience or to-fill-in-the-blanks. Sometimes I'm happy having it but sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I hope I can believe my optimistic instincts but sometimes it just screams 'fraud' to your face. Fuuhhhh I am tired. Can I put a stop to it by quit acting like how I am still acting now?

I always believe in 1 thing; which is 'everything happen for a reason'. Months ago till today I have still not figured it out and still hoping that the reason will soon surface.

And James Blunt.. Your 'Brightest Star' is making me emotional.

Perhaps this work trip is way too impromptu and unexpected. Last minute invitation to Jakarta, tickets and schedule confirmed at the nick of time. Caught unprepared but fortunately everything went well. But guess maybe this creates an emotional feeling which simply leads to my impatience to touchdown and take a deep breath of my homeland air. KL.

15 more minutes...
And my thanks to dugong Raymond for picking me up. You're improving in playing your 'Best Friend' role. Keep it up! Aja aja!! :)



Sunday, May 05, 2013

really?

I'm sitting here with retro furniture all around me, listening to The Beatles, with my Starbucks low-fat latte in my tumbler. But I'm not feeling it at all. Not feeling anything.
Maybe a little hint of disappointment or confusion. I guess.
I've been wanting to pen here for weeks but couldn't quite find time.
Work has been a pain in the ass big time. Well as usual.
With the particular addition that became addiction.
That's sort of annoyingly unbearable.
I don't know what I want and wish not to know too.
On the other hand, I wish there's a final answer to it. Period.
But who's giving the answer?

I cannot bear to have another "one-of-those-days".
It's affecting my thoughts and emotion.

Anyway what the fark.
Life goes on, not like he cared anyway.
Will be heading to Jakarta this Tuesday for work, hope all things will be good.
*fingerscrossed*

Sunday, March 10, 2013

never say never


Neglected you for months, huh? 
Guess he wasn't an issue anymore.
It's funny how some stuff can provoke you so much in that few months that now after some time it just didn't really matter much anymore. It still does leave that tingling feeling on and off but it just wasn't as serious. 

Well, things have been busy and tiring but it was for all the good reasons. CNY celebration, sister's college admission, study loan etc, work, work and more work. It was all adaptable until tonight I am so fucking pissed off. Just saw red instantly. 

I couldn't believe my ears. I do comprehend that everyone is different. I wasn't talking bout physical appearances or finance capabilities, I'm stating my point at personalities and maybe the levels of common sense.

Everyone starts stupid. That's harsh but true. Newborns don't walk on their first day. They wriggle around, crawling, stumbling, falling and failing and then fall and fall and fall then they learn to walk 'professionally' and permanently. It's unlikely of you that when the baby take his first step and fall right on his nose, you stop him from trying and learning for like ever? You let them try and fall and try. My point here fking TRY. 

You have to always at least try. Try to learn, try to do, try to accommodate, try to adapt, try to give, try to go... Try! You never try you will never know. You will never find out what are your limits! What you can do or what you can't do. You won't know because everyone is spoon feeding you in every way you can think of, will you still try or have the initiative to achieve things on your own when every little step is readily prepared for you to just plant your gentle feet on it? You'll walk through it like a breeze without realizing what you can do for yourself. What you can surprise yourself with. Because you haven't worries. You just follow the "procedures". 

It's not to force you to start a crime or kill someone, or any illegal acts. It's just a start of your daily life matters. Learning and experimenting. 

I was too once a 17 year old girl who was also scared of stepping into the world of cruelty all by her own. Taking my first public transport, my first orientation day, my first driving-on-my-own day, my first time talking to a stranger, my first walking through a quiet back alley, my first time being molested in the train station, my first time in everything.. I do know the feeling of fear. Language might not be a barrier but the fear of trying do occur. The fear of trying is so unpredictable. Till at some point of being scared all the time just make you realize that you have to do something, change for the better. You just got to step up. If you don't help yourself who will? You have to start learning. I learnt things the ugly way too, I am not born knowing everything I know today. I may sound like know-it-all bitch now to you but why didn't it occurred to you that what makes me who I am today that I can eventually tell you to go experiment your own world.. You never get the same minute twice, then why don't you at least give yourself a chance to try to explore it on your own? If things go wrong, try it another way. Learn from mistakes. We can guide you but not do things for you. Period. 

At the end of the day, I'm just a black sheep. A negative black sheep that is allegedly "targeted" to have no concern, no understanding or no worries because I'm claimed as being cold hearted and selfish. Hence no one wants to tell me anything because I speak the ugly truth. What's wrong with believing in learning, trying and experimenting, and being dependent? Ask yourself how many people out there that you can depend on every single day on every single thing, doing it on a repetitive daily basis mode? What if one day the spoon feeding just stop? No next step plans, nothing is prepared for you.. Perhaps that's when you crumble and fall because you never never know how to try or how to convey things on your own. Never know how to do things on you own. 

What's your issue? 
Unsure of things as simple as finding a car parking? 













Wednesday, January 02, 2013

twenty thirteen



Happy New Year 2013!!
and some New Year resolutions though I don't believe in 'em..
But I saw some nice quotes, so hopefully I will believe in those words.
And hell yeah to a new year! That baggage is so way off behind me. 
Packed, sealed and recycled at 11:59:59_31-Dec-2012.
*pats on my own back*




Hence, farewell to 2012 and let the new year be the time to unfold new horizons,
and gear up for new challenges and dreams.

xoxo, Michelle.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

it is hell

I just completed Hell's Kitchen Season 8.
*evil laughs* all in two nights when I'm working on my design proposals.
Starting on Season 9. Distress me totally and gave me a few laughs.

I like Gordon. Really. He's perfect. (at least for his HK reality show though)
Love his sarcasm and profanity. Entertaining.
He was a footballer back then turned celebrity chef.
Worked his ass up. Like wow.
He inspires me in mixed feelings from admiration to scorn and to passionate.
He's tough and take no crap from people, which leads to him speaking his mind out straight and his constant cursing became a part of his charm and personality.
But he can be a meaner, very arrogant and bully.
I wouldn't want to appear in the same room with him when he's being hot up all in his head. But well they are constantly working in a hot stressful kitchen, you expect dainty talking? He has this passion and expectation so high up that everything matters before he put them on the table. You might say it's all reality show format whatsoever but I'm just enjoying what I'm watching. Not going to think what's beyond the show.
And and and he does a lot of great work of charity. Kudos.

I'm babbling, ain't I? Haha.
I'm just distressing.

Okay back to episode 4 and work.
Peace out.