Monday, September 29, 2008

another boy went 24th the korean style

We celebrated JunWei's belated birthday at Daorae Korean BBQ, Sri Hartamas.
A quick run of pix.. Got the whole album in my facebook. *grins*
Can't believe I'm friends with him for almost 17 years.. since elementary.. omiggoshh..

(way above) Yvonne stares, "Can you like quickly snap so I can start eating?"
(above) Alan always posed this way whenever we're here... Just being silly..
In a way to de-stress after a whole day of harsh working in the broker office.. ahhaha
(below) JunWei the bday boy and Alan discussing bout god-knows-what.. *laughs*
(way below) HuayPin and the Emo queen... *points to myself*

The food.. yummy.. we ordered 4 sets of BBQ..
I din't snapped it all 'cos I was too carried away with the conversation and food..
And trying hard to forget my horrible crit and HOD's words in the morning.. *sobs*

BBQ pork ribs.. not bad not bad.. we ordered.. another 2 pork and 1 chicken bbq set..
Egg Omelette Pancake.. i like this a lot. Will order their Kimchi Pancake the next time..
Korean Ginseng Chicken Soup.. I love ordering this.. good for health and super yummy..
*gulps* i forgotten to snap our cold Kimchi noodles. Hehe.

HuayPin just got back from Hokkaido, Japan last week.
She brought back some Japanese candies and tidbits for us..

Some rice biscuits in adorable human-figure wrappers..
We arranged 7 of them together.. tagging our names in facebook.. Hehehe..

Looks like tissue paper packet rite?
Milk cookies to be exact.. Very nice smell indeed.. Sweet..

I love this the most.. Not sure what it is.. but once u bit on it..
it sure tasted and felt like marshmallow.. very nice.. great for dessert..
And many more... strawberries coated in white chocolate... candies.. crackers..

Blow the candles time!!
He was pretty surprised when he saw the cake.
He din't know we were celebrating his belated with him..
Tat dumb dumb waiter just brought in the cake in the box without lighting it first..
Sigh.. so the birthday boy had to light the candles himself.. Hehe..

Yvonne booked yam cake.. which was his favourite last time..
But that bakery forgotten our order (yam cake was their specialty) which was quite a turn-off..
So at the nick of time, I chose the Black sesame + hazelnut cake..
Can't remember the full name.. but it was nice.. light and special..

This bakery has really good "commercial" cake.
Can try them actually... RT Pastry at Subang ss15.
Few shops next to Public Bank.. opposite the highway to Sunway.
Their breads, pastries, buns, cakes and cookies very very tempting... and nice..
Worth the price.. I bought their green tea light cake and pandan layer cake..
Mom loves them..

Anyway back to the story, the cake was pretty ok.
Everyone was ok with it... just that this silly dude.. hahaha
Caught candid... No idea what KokHau was doing when Alan snapped this...
Like as if the cake has some cili padi on it or something.. hehhehe

(clockwise starting from the bday boy)
JunWei, Alan, Yvonne, Bernadine, Me, HuayPin & KokHau

Stupid camera man and that stupid spoon (held by JunWei)
No idea what the hell they did and laughed their ass off until we got our hands on the camera..

Walao.. damn like it's slapped right at my face lor!!!!

Finally let them taste their own medicine.... which they were pretty happy doing it...
we quite childish hor... or should i say just the guys?? lol.
Just trying not to remember admit our age kua.. ahhaha

Erm... inspired by his idol outside our room?

Hehehe.. End of story.
It was a great night with great companions.
We're all high school friends.. except Berny, whom I know in college..
But we're just a great bunch of people to hang out with.. No joke.
Love them all. Friends like them are SO to treasure. Sigh. I feel so blessed.

ahhh... warmth all over....

Anyway.. will be my last FUN post until the 15th October.
Finals will end then.
Don't think will blog that much..
unless i itchy hand or itchy brain, trying to snake lor...
Will be very very busy and very very frustrated.
Stress already built up since weeks ago. Sigh.

Pray for me, will ya?

p/s: I changed my sidebar song again.. Hehehe.. Latest favourite.
Thanks to VictorTheHighTower. Song "Come Back to Me Now" by Akon.
I love it till the last words of it..

hate now

Saturday, September 27, 2008

dad is a man, mom is a woman

Dad just got back from his Johore business trip before dinner today.
He brought in this huge big plastic bag filled with "round balls" inside...
I was like.. Huh?? What's that?? Lotsa what?
(ehhh.. the plastic was thick ok.. cant see what was in it ok.. *rolled eyes*)

Anyway.. dad said.. "Your mom's favourite.."
And again... I was like.. "Duku langsat?? SO BIG? How much?"
Mom was already grinning behind me...
She has this addiction to duku langsat whenever the duku season starts..
Everytime will ask me to drop by pasar malam to get her a kilo or two..
She can finished it all by herself, peeling and eating while watching her hokkien drama dvds..

"Dukung la.. but big size ones.. Very sweet. I bought 8 kilos.. 10 bucks onlyy.."
I went.. "WHAT?!!?! so cheapp!! Don't bluff la.. Where you bought?"
Dad said, "Walao.. don't believe ar? At Muar la.. next time bring u"
Mom was like... "Dumbos.. *munching* Duku langsat la.. not dukung.."
Dad went.. "Dukung lar.. that seller said dukung.. look at the skin so thick"
Mom : Duku langsat.. *peeling and eating*
Dad : Dukung..
Mom : Duku langsat.. *still eating*
Dad : Fine.. Duku langsat then.. but the seller said Dukung..
I was like.... "Eh.. enough ok.. like kids only.. but it's darn big.. and cheapp... you should so buy like another 5 kilos.."
Mom : Yala.. so cheap... Make me happier marrr... *laughs*
Dad : Pigs. *frowns* Next time lar.. buy one lorry back ok.

So cold hor his joke. Sheesh..
Parents.. the older they get.. the more kiddish they get sometimes..

Pingpong size lor.
The duku langsat that I bought before were quite small..
and cost like 2 kilos for 10 bucks if I remembered correctly..
Sweet but when you accidentally bite on the seed.. bitter lor..
But the ones that daddy bought were not bitter wor.. very sweet.. Nice ler...
Got lagi bigger size he said.. 6 kilos for 10 bucks.. Worth it also right??

I sounded so bukit now hor..
like never see big big dukung or duku langsat before... *grins*


Mom is quite conservative at times. Traditional on certain things.
At times damn hip and happening...
at times.. walao.. bored with her historical "women" facts.. Hehehe...

Mom always nagged at me...
"You're a big girl already.. 24 liao. Can marry d.. be wife.. take care.. responsible.. must find bf.. must this.. must that.. blah blah blah blah.."

Sometimes when I told my mom I wanna go clubbing or late nights with friends or smtg..
She will start another "protective" version of her nags..
"Aiyo.. everytime come back dawn.. those places so many people.. Small kids like you guys don't go lar.. So dangerous... later kena tipu.."
But nevertheless, she still let me go "sometimes" lar.. when she's not that persistent.

Thus, I'm small girl or big girl now?? Sigh...

So one day, I told her to get me a new pillowcase.
I bought an extra pillow just for extra comfort.. *grins*
She always go pasar pagi with dad in the morning..
for breakfast and meet up with their friends..
Well, being the lazy me, I just asked her to get any nice single colour ones from pasar..
She said okay... she need to get a few cases too as the inner layer of the pillowcase..
I said fine.. Single colour k.. or nothing too fancy or patterny...

She came back.. and told me like excitedly..
"Hey I bought this.. *shows me Mr. Incredible and family pillowcase* for ur brother.."
I said.. "Hmm.. cute.. Where's mine mom??"
She passed me mine and I almost fainted... Duno to laugh or stone?
She lagi dare to ask me... so innocent look and all..
"Like it? Nice rightt?? Couldn't find anything more girly.. So I got you this.."






Thanks mom.
Disney's princesses.. Very girly indeed..

"And I know you like purple.." she added... "So do you like it?"

Oh gee... thanks mom.. big time. I'm speechless.
I'm hugging it right now..
I showed Berny and Yvonne on msn webcam..
Thanks for your bulging eyes and laughing out loud.

So mom.. how old am I exactly? I'm confused.


these are not just words

This might be a ridicule to you..
I just need to get this all out.


6.01 am.
I'm empty.

I am really scared.
Scared of this one feeling.
No.. it's not love..
No.. it's not sorrow..
Not surprise, not anxious..
Just plain LOST.

Simply cos, despite the feeling of love, sorrow, etc etc.. somehow we know where it's leading us too.. what will happen next.. But if we're lost.. what is my next step? What will my next step be?
I'm lost thinking.
I'm lost developing my design.
I'm lost in design directions.
I'm lost facing them.
I'm lost in words. I'm really lost.
No kidding.

Lately I've been a total mess in my head. Trying hard to keep happy thoughts in me, so that my hard stone face won't show. It is getting tired to keep putting on a mask anymore. I said I am fine.. but I AM NOT FINE.. Sometimes I just want to drop this bag of burden and scream out loud that I AM NOT FINE!!! I want the whole fucking world to know that I am not doing fine.. I want all to know it... But heck, conscience speaks, this is SO not ME, SO not the way to handle things.

Less than 3 weeks to the expired date of all this "lost" thing..
Yes.. my finals is so bothering me.. or should I say Bothered me till date.. I'm so frustrated.. I couldn't think straight.. In other words, I duno what I'm doing now.. Finals on the coming 15th.. I don't have anything "confirmed" done...

I lost all confidence. Feeling so fed up so many times..
Always de-motivated everytime after night tutorials.. Been doing this shit since my diploma years, working years.. till now, my final year of degree.. Now that finally I goddamn do not know what the hell is design? No.. it's not bout the new module collaboration of "Marketing + Technology + Management"... but it's bout what concept is? What is the right approach? What is the terms and conditions of designing.. How to design? How only I can meet other's satisfaction??

I am not giving up even though I really really felt like lately and right this second. My spirits to fight is so so so low now. Close to tears everytime I thought bout this. I am trying.. i am.. very hard. Fuck hard.

In this blog, I might have posted up tons of happy things.. like shopping sprees, great dinner night-outs, food, craps and all.. BUT this doesnt mean that I do not have other problems at the same time.. or that I'm not working my ass off for my finals.. I have never used this much of time on my studies before.. I confessed.. I'm not a hard worker.. but I am a smart one.. I always think of doing my works the right way to produce good works without having to really use up all my time on it.. so i can have time for friends, leisure, tv dramas and fun.. These were always been ME since like all semesters except now.. I'm not a lazy fucking bum!!

I really really did worked my ass off for this design proposal. I really did what I can.. I sketched, i explored, I researched, I asked, i think, i planned... or emotionally, i sulked, I cried, i grumbled, i cursed and all.. I have never been this pain in my ass to myself before. I did more than I ever did... Before my final year degree, I never did sketches development before for any of my design modules.. like NEVER.. But this time.. i finished almost 3 butterpaper pads on just developing the idea. i did a lot.. but I did not show.. I know what will be plastered to me that I find no need to show the BIAS him because I know that i cannot answer his questions and not good enough to show him.. I will feel really useless in his goofy flood of sarcasm. Yes.. SARCASM. I hate how he judge me with his stereotyped mind. Now I know what ChenXi was trying to tell me that time... Now i know why Tung insisted of quitting beginning this semester.. Now I know why Ben asked me bout him.. Now that i know.. is useless.

Fear and lost took over me when my concepts were not considered concepts, when works were not considered works, when efforts were not considered efforts and when design were not considered design. There were times I was so so so upset while driving back from late night tutorials.. it was hellish spiritually. Lost in directions.. What should I do next? Where do I go from here? What is right? What is wrong? What is going to happen? What now? What??

I was very shaken by one sentence from my HOD yesterday.
One short sentence that only contained 5 words.
"You only have one subject"
It broke me into pieces. I know what she meant. I will never forget the look on her face. Argh.. I want to have a lot done. I want to produce a lot. I want this I want that I want everything you want me to want. Mayb being lost is not an excuse.. but I did tried. I do not want to disappoint myself and those that have faith in me. Somehow this semester is just so depressing and tough.

Normally I have no problem coping with pressure and stress.. but lately these months especially after going for his tutorials.. i just couldn't.. couldn't take the LOST feeling.. Is this my limit? my last straw? It is not because of the work pressure.. not him pressuring.. is the pressure I give myself.. my own expectation.. my own wants.. my own satisfaction lines.. Every time I show him.. me myself don't even like it.. I have no idea how to convince him and make him to believe in it.. cos I DON't Even BELIEVE in IT.. I lose faith in myself.

This feeling digs up my very vulnerable side. Sometimes i feel so fed up that I do not want to do anything.. I do not want to look at it, touch it, do it or even think of it. I just want it over just like that.. but I know it wont. I just want to stop doing it... stop all these nonsense that made me someone I am not.. something that i dont want and wouldn't want..

Yes. People say.. this is just a "study phase".. Just a minor thing.. why u making a big deal out of it? I know it's not the end of the world.. or as important as your 1mil contract but it is one of the most important thing now to me.. at this time of my life.. I hate this. I do. I just hate how it's making me someone I am not inside. I poured this all mostly only to Yvonne and partially to Tess. Only both of them really know what is "behind" or the REAL me in the WALK of this final semester. No one else knew. I do not want to complain to every face I see. I do not want THAT look on faces in front of me.. I will really lose it that time.. At least looking at faces that do not know I have this issue would make feel more at ease and comfortable... And they won't keep asking me.. "How are you now?" This will break me.

"Just do it"
These 3 words that everyone never stopped telling me. Just do it.. just do it.. It is not just the matter of DOING it.. is the matter of going through it.. overcoming it.. facing it.. God.. pass me the light please. I need a brighter road down. I am not complaining.. I am not sulking.. I am not blaming.. I am not pointing fingers.. I am not backing myself.. I am not pitying myself.. I just want to get this shit out.. So many things just flashed before my eyes now.. a skip of tears.. a dash of sad fucks.. I want to find me back. Where am I? I hate this semester. I HATE IT.


This post may sound like self-pity.. or hundreds of excuses piling up.. or a bunch of lies.. but these words are just a piece of my silent mind that never never stops bothering me. I know this is life. I know. I know nothing comes easy.. I know nothing is free.. I know no brains think alike.. I know I know I know!!!!!

This semester is just one big fucking challenge, one big obstacle that stood right in the middle of me firm and cold.. One hardcore situation where I do not want to disappoint anyone... and I do not want to disappoint myself. I know you would actions speak louder than words.. there were actions.. but you just did not see it..

I'm really tired of sleepless nights.
I'm really tired of trying..
I'm really tired of sitting here holding my 0.4 scrambling on things that leads me nowhere..
I'm really tired of having a disturbed mind.
I'm really tired to put on a mask.

I just need one direction.
Just one direction to what I can do next for my design.
Just one.


This is just a piece of me, trying to find peace in me.
Mock me if you shall.

i hate myself

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

god no eyes

Yes.. it's almost 3.15am.
Yes... I'm STILL SICK.
No. I din't go see doctor. No idea why.

Sitting here, fidgeting with my laptop..
Trying to get my work at least partially done..

Lately I was bombarded with questions as such...
"You're interior student.. why keep doing architecture?"
"You architecture meh? or landscape?"
"Interior also have to do this sh*t ar?"
"Wah.. architect teach you in school ar?"

Sigh.. you think I don't know meh..
One say this.. the other say another.. how..?! *scratches head*
Tutor wanna see all these.. What can I do?
If he don't approve this.. I can't proceed into the interior...
Yah.. What the heck right???!! b1st1rd

(above) My finals exterior layout plan on cad. Sigh.
I don't like it. Not what I want.. more like what he wants..
So in order to get approval, I have to do what he wants.. *sulks*

Skipped dinner.
Slept for an hour. Headache. Brain quitted.
Woke up. Nothing to eat. Don't feel like eating.
Went out to 7 11. Bought instant noodles cup. *grins*

I'm not quite a good sick girl yah... Hmm..
What to do? No "private doctor" or "private nurse" to take care of me? hehehe
Alright. Back to work.

Yes. This is my face now.

Now I am asking myself....
"Where's the light on my face?"
"Where's the goofy grin?"
"Where is ME?"
"Where's where??"

Work la. Break's over.
Hate hate hate hate hate.


Monday, September 22, 2008

i flowed "juices" out my nose..

Few weeks ago, I was at Subang Parade, meeting up Kwangli..
to collect the cute pigs before Mid Autumn Festival...
We sat and chit-chat.. sambil makan-makan sikit at Dessert's Bar.
There were always people in the outlet at Plaza Damas, Hartamas..
but here.. like only a table or two.. Hmm...
I like their color scheme... blood red... sexyy.. hahahaha

Anyway.. Kwangli ordered Frozen Flips..
Pancakes with a scoop of "your-choice" of ice-cream.
Pretty sight but pretty normal taste..
According to her... Haagen Daz's RumRaisin version was better...

Mine was Raspberry and Lemon Sorbet.
Not bad la.. Raspberry sorbet was way too sweet for my liking..
and the presentation was ... ugly lor..
I had sorbet before.. but never one like this.. ugly-ly scooped..
I din post up another raspberry view of this sorbet cos it was a bit disgusting..
ahhahaa.. looked like.. nvm.. hahahha
Just I wasn't satisfied with this food presentation lar...


I am sick.
I slept like 11.45pm last night..
which was the earliest night ever since months...
I was surprised myself.. hahaha..
Bad flu.. bad headache.. slight fever..

My mom was like... "Ikan bakar lagi lar....!!!"

Hehe.. Guess all these late nights and hot weather accumulated in my body heat..
Late showers lately.. cold drinks at night.. caught in rain... caused bad waterfall flu..
And me... nagging my family to go hawker-fooding with me the night before..

I specifically wanted to eat ikan bakar..
My mom complained. "I think you're pregnant.. Always craving.. and MUST eat that type!!"
I just couldn't help it.. hahaha.. no idea why lately when I'm craving for some food..
I really really need to eat it... *frowns*
if not I'll be like missing it so much... as if i'm heartbroken or i just got dumped.. hahaha

By the way, I'm not PREGGIE lor...
No one to make me.. hehehehhe

Went Bukit Tinggi Klang.. Plenty of hawkers there..
The food was all so-so only.. so no reason to specifically shout out the name..

The ikan bakar was so-so only.. Pedas.. But I was satisfied...
'cos I got to free my desperate tastebuds on it.. hehehe..
So when you got the ikan bakar as the main cast...
well, I invited lala-chean (below) as my sidekick.. hahaha..
So therefore, I fell sick. Farks.


So... i sick lor.
Sigh.. the feeling sucks. As if a 200kg bear sat on my chest...
Hard to breathe..

I was hungry but didn't eat anything in the morning..
Was very drowsy and lethargic when I woke up..
Nothing to eat at home.. No appetite too..

Mom suggested.. Spinach soup??
I almost gagged.
Then she poured me this glass of red vegetable juice.
Forced it down my throat.

Told her I didn't want to have anything to eat.
Kena marah pulak..
Actually deep in I was craving for maggi mee..
'cos last nite i saw a packet of tomyam in the cabinet..
But i know mom will never allow a sick ass to eat maggi..

Evening I was better. Slightly.
Went out to fetch my sis from school.
Hehe.. stopped by KFC... bought mashed potato.. *evil grins*
to compensate my breakfast and lunch and maybe dinner..

Nyum.. Erm.. sick food right? Can right? ahhaha...
I never finished this large size before.. but I did today...
Split it into two meals lor.. For tea and supper..

Alright back to work.
Love y'all~

can i give up?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

sick at the wrong time

I miss my life.
I mean seriously.
2nd design crit will on this upcoming Thrusday...
(for my first crit post, click *here*)
I think I'll probably take a break after my finals before starting back on full-time working..
I really really miss my active social life.

Not feeling well today.
Sudden attack of bad flu and slight heat..
Just popped some flu pills and panadols...
Heading to bed soon.. Waking up early to finish my plans..

Was browsing through my pc and internet for more detailed research for my finals..
My so-called Green Project. hehe.. Not that greeeeen actually...
Just a proposal, developing Organic City Garden in Mutiara Damansara, PJ..

My initial design idea will taste something like this...
Very un-commercialize was my idea..
(but I think will change slightly or drastically whilst developing the idea..)

Reference from a lot of pix...
I just attached some here...

Very here and there right?
Yeah.. I know.. this was just brainstorming..
Got the ideas done d by now..
Will soon start working on the cad drawings.

Alright. Night all..
Sick girl goin to bed. *hugs*

p/s: I don't hate school or tutorials.. I mean only me n another student doing our finals only..
So that makes only 2 of us and the part-time tutor..
I just hate it when tutor&student they sabo misinterpret me.
It is so obvious that he's a bias freak. I thought I was being sensitive..
until there were people asking n telling me bout it... hmph.. so... guess it's kinda true then...
stupid nose