Saturday, September 27, 2008

these are not just words

This might be a ridicule to you..
I just need to get this all out.


6.01 am.
I'm empty.

I am really scared.
Scared of this one feeling.
No.. it's not love..
No.. it's not sorrow..
Not surprise, not anxious..
Just plain LOST.

Simply cos, despite the feeling of love, sorrow, etc etc.. somehow we know where it's leading us too.. what will happen next.. But if we're lost.. what is my next step? What will my next step be?
I'm lost thinking.
I'm lost developing my design.
I'm lost in design directions.
I'm lost facing them.
I'm lost in words. I'm really lost.
No kidding.

Lately I've been a total mess in my head. Trying hard to keep happy thoughts in me, so that my hard stone face won't show. It is getting tired to keep putting on a mask anymore. I said I am fine.. but I AM NOT FINE.. Sometimes I just want to drop this bag of burden and scream out loud that I AM NOT FINE!!! I want the whole fucking world to know that I am not doing fine.. I want all to know it... But heck, conscience speaks, this is SO not ME, SO not the way to handle things.

Less than 3 weeks to the expired date of all this "lost" thing..
Yes.. my finals is so bothering me.. or should I say Bothered me till date.. I'm so frustrated.. I couldn't think straight.. In other words, I duno what I'm doing now.. Finals on the coming 15th.. I don't have anything "confirmed" done...

I lost all confidence. Feeling so fed up so many times..
Always de-motivated everytime after night tutorials.. Been doing this shit since my diploma years, working years.. till now, my final year of degree.. Now that finally I goddamn do not know what the hell is design? No.. it's not bout the new module collaboration of "Marketing + Technology + Management"... but it's bout what concept is? What is the right approach? What is the terms and conditions of designing.. How to design? How only I can meet other's satisfaction??

I am not giving up even though I really really felt like lately and right this second. My spirits to fight is so so so low now. Close to tears everytime I thought bout this. I am trying.. i am.. very hard. Fuck hard.

In this blog, I might have posted up tons of happy things.. like shopping sprees, great dinner night-outs, food, craps and all.. BUT this doesnt mean that I do not have other problems at the same time.. or that I'm not working my ass off for my finals.. I have never used this much of time on my studies before.. I confessed.. I'm not a hard worker.. but I am a smart one.. I always think of doing my works the right way to produce good works without having to really use up all my time on it.. so i can have time for friends, leisure, tv dramas and fun.. These were always been ME since like all semesters except now.. I'm not a lazy fucking bum!!

I really really did worked my ass off for this design proposal. I really did what I can.. I sketched, i explored, I researched, I asked, i think, i planned... or emotionally, i sulked, I cried, i grumbled, i cursed and all.. I have never been this pain in my ass to myself before. I did more than I ever did... Before my final year degree, I never did sketches development before for any of my design modules.. like NEVER.. But this time.. i finished almost 3 butterpaper pads on just developing the idea. i did a lot.. but I did not show.. I know what will be plastered to me that I find no need to show the BIAS him because I know that i cannot answer his questions and not good enough to show him.. I will feel really useless in his goofy flood of sarcasm. Yes.. SARCASM. I hate how he judge me with his stereotyped mind. Now I know what ChenXi was trying to tell me that time... Now i know why Tung insisted of quitting beginning this semester.. Now I know why Ben asked me bout him.. Now that i know.. is useless.

Fear and lost took over me when my concepts were not considered concepts, when works were not considered works, when efforts were not considered efforts and when design were not considered design. There were times I was so so so upset while driving back from late night tutorials.. it was hellish spiritually. Lost in directions.. What should I do next? Where do I go from here? What is right? What is wrong? What is going to happen? What now? What??

I was very shaken by one sentence from my HOD yesterday.
One short sentence that only contained 5 words.
"You only have one subject"
It broke me into pieces. I know what she meant. I will never forget the look on her face. Argh.. I want to have a lot done. I want to produce a lot. I want this I want that I want everything you want me to want. Mayb being lost is not an excuse.. but I did tried. I do not want to disappoint myself and those that have faith in me. Somehow this semester is just so depressing and tough.

Normally I have no problem coping with pressure and stress.. but lately these months especially after going for his tutorials.. i just couldn't.. couldn't take the LOST feeling.. Is this my limit? my last straw? It is not because of the work pressure.. not him pressuring.. is the pressure I give myself.. my own expectation.. my own wants.. my own satisfaction lines.. Every time I show him.. me myself don't even like it.. I have no idea how to convince him and make him to believe in it.. cos I DON't Even BELIEVE in IT.. I lose faith in myself.

This feeling digs up my very vulnerable side. Sometimes i feel so fed up that I do not want to do anything.. I do not want to look at it, touch it, do it or even think of it. I just want it over just like that.. but I know it wont. I just want to stop doing it... stop all these nonsense that made me someone I am not.. something that i dont want and wouldn't want..

Yes. People say.. this is just a "study phase".. Just a minor thing.. why u making a big deal out of it? I know it's not the end of the world.. or as important as your 1mil contract but it is one of the most important thing now to me.. at this time of my life.. I hate this. I do. I just hate how it's making me someone I am not inside. I poured this all mostly only to Yvonne and partially to Tess. Only both of them really know what is "behind" or the REAL me in the WALK of this final semester. No one else knew. I do not want to complain to every face I see. I do not want THAT look on faces in front of me.. I will really lose it that time.. At least looking at faces that do not know I have this issue would make feel more at ease and comfortable... And they won't keep asking me.. "How are you now?" This will break me.

"Just do it"
These 3 words that everyone never stopped telling me. Just do it.. just do it.. It is not just the matter of DOING it.. is the matter of going through it.. overcoming it.. facing it.. God.. pass me the light please. I need a brighter road down. I am not complaining.. I am not sulking.. I am not blaming.. I am not pointing fingers.. I am not backing myself.. I am not pitying myself.. I just want to get this shit out.. So many things just flashed before my eyes now.. a skip of tears.. a dash of sad fucks.. I want to find me back. Where am I? I hate this semester. I HATE IT.


This post may sound like self-pity.. or hundreds of excuses piling up.. or a bunch of lies.. but these words are just a piece of my silent mind that never never stops bothering me. I know this is life. I know. I know nothing comes easy.. I know nothing is free.. I know no brains think alike.. I know I know I know!!!!!

This semester is just one big fucking challenge, one big obstacle that stood right in the middle of me firm and cold.. One hardcore situation where I do not want to disappoint anyone... and I do not want to disappoint myself. I know you would actions speak louder than words.. there were actions.. but you just did not see it..

I'm really tired of sleepless nights.
I'm really tired of trying..
I'm really tired of sitting here holding my 0.4 scrambling on things that leads me nowhere..
I'm really tired of having a disturbed mind.
I'm really tired to put on a mask.

I just need one direction.
Just one direction to what I can do next for my design.
Just one.


This is just a piece of me, trying to find peace in me.
Mock me if you shall.

i hate myself

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