无可救药的坚定

I still remember the long way drive from Sri Damansara back to Klang on one Christmas eve two years go. Great impact. Felt a little better and yet a little bitter.

Time flies. People go.
Leaves fall as the dark crawls in.
Feeling bitter. Maybe is the caffeine earlier.
I regret. Of every word I said.
Not because it was wrong, simply because it was you.

Trust? I lose trust on love. Completely.
爱? 让你略过慢长等待..




Exactly my point. Look at the damn date. *damn me*

still not forgiven yet

When the thought of you flashes in my mind, I just wished we never met.
And sometimes your friend seems like diagnosed with goldfish-brain-syndrome that I wish you will wake up every morning and trip over your bathroom rug. Like maybe for three times.

It hurt me so bad that I wish I could rewind time to the day we have never crossed path.

little mermaid's story

You're so fishy and I'm not even feeling suspicious anymore.
Or should I say I do not know how to feel anymore.
I'm a genius.

我的天是灰色

其實我不想對你戀戀不捨
我是真的為你.. *paused*
(i'm yet fill in the blanks)

with or without meant nothin' anymore

You know, I heard this song like ten thousand trillion times before...
but.. but never ever noticed her lyrics.
It is quite "power-talking". Haha.

It finally caught my attention when I was driving home earlier from a long day of work..
It was on air.. and well it hit me on the chorus; right on the sec I was thinking of something similar. Anyway the song was Demi Lovato's Skyscraper.

It was this part at first..

As the smoke clears, I awaken,
And untangle you from me,
Would it make you feel better,
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken,
But I'm standing on my feet.

then...

You can take everything I have,
You can break everything I am,
Like I'm made of glass,
Like I'm made of paper,
Go on and try to tear me down,
I will be rising from the ground,
Like a skyscraper.

Dumbstruck and I laughed out loud. 

How ironic.

How coincident things can be. 

But I am happy today.

Somehow or rather the clouds hid away and the sun is back.

Hope tomorrow will always be a better day.  

*fingerscrossed*

breathing space

As I was driving the long empty road earlier,
The city looked the same..
The people looked the same..
The cars looked the same..
It all looked the same..
but deep down, I knew it wasn't..
Just one night everything has changed.

Face it. I gave up trying.
Will leave it as it is for ample breathing space.
The world is not dead but my hopes kinda are.. hence..
I'll live it as a new life.


Happy birthday, M.

Last words

It's funny how life plays a fool out of you.

You told a friend a story to drive your insanity out.
Just need someone to talk to and give some opposite-sex opinion.
I admit, girls and their over-sized brains will intend to think way WAY out of the box especially that kind of imaginative and way creative person like me. Yes I'm not denying that sometimes I do have a bottomless pit of negativity like Uncle David said I was. Well, depends on what's the situation.

Being too optimistic can be quite a pain in the ass BIG time.
Too opti leads to overconfidence which will lead to bigger disappointments.
Disappointment is a free ticket to hell especially to deal on personal issues.

Anyway back to the story and the friend.
Some people just jump into opportunities at the damn wrong timing.
You're not my type. I truly believe I am not yours too.
But you asked to give it a try. But what's there to try?
I'm not some dress on sale that you can put on in the dressing room, twirl and dance in it then put it back on rack. Come on. Give me a break. I take things as such seriously.
I won't invest my feeling on someone whom I don't have feelings for.

Here I tell you I might actually "finally" like someone I hardly know which I don't even know it's right or wrong and there you advised me to divert it ON you? I can't bear to express a harsh no with intention of keeping a friendship hence the polite humour-off.
And then he asked me, "Why do nice people always choose the wrong people to date?"

You know if I have the answer, I won't be in the situation where sometimes it felt right and sometimes it just simply confusing. Ain't it? I haven't been feeling like this for years. It's stupid of me to allow it.

All I could say was.. "I'm evil. I desire the things which I know will destroy me in the end which leads me to me today." So serves me right, right?




*rolled eyes*

Bad habits are on the mode now.

Goodnight Doom's Eve.

lately

Hate to admit but yes, I do feel that sometimes.
But there's nothing I can do about it, hence just let the feeling go. :)

persistence

I felt a slap right on my face when I checked my phone this morning.
Yeah something that I was denying a little while ago just happened or happened few days ago that I didn't realized it until I saw it earlier and oh I felt stupid silly. Somehow I'm much more alert now. I hope I'm not assuming. At least be right, this time. I never felt this for the longest time and yes the are "repetitive results".

I guessed feelings fussed up too much before that I didn't see this coming or I'm simply living in denial. I hate the fact that sometimes I think too much up there in my scrawny brain that reality it won't happen. Ahh I'm not sure if I'm feeling relieved (a little) or upset that the same things are happening again.

I'm really unsure and I dare not ask hence dare not expect.
I have a jinxed habit where the more I want something to happen or imagined what would it be like if I had it, I'll totally lost it in reality. See why I always said expectation are not worth expecting?

I think too much. That's my trouble.
People ask me to hope and try. Hope and try?
I hate to be let down AGAIN.
Constant disappointments are killing. Demotivates almost everything for awhile.
Enough.

Some things are better kept unchecked unsaid, I mean.
Sometimes most things that you do not know.. it's better remain that way.

Now I asked myself.. "Am I really relieved now?"
A small part of me said no. not at all.
It's always easier to live in denial.

habits are hard little buggers to kill

Bad habits are hard to die.
But who to define they are bad.
Good. Bad. Habits are habits.
Especially when habits involved a person.
What if one day this habit just die off without my consent?
What will happen then?
Habits that are hard to kill and the fear of losing someone..
simply sums up to... err..
I'm still figuring out the answer or maybe I refused to. Just let it be.
If there's no "failure", that might possibly lead to a good "routine".



But whatever happens, tomorrow will always be a better day.


* *


I can never remember much Chinese song titles or celebrities except maybe the really famous ones. I was searching for some instrumental jazzy songs on YouTube yesterday and somehow stumbled onto these songs.
Piano Covers for  鄧福如 - 如果有如果 and 田馥甄 - 還是要幸福.
Easy on ears. Nice. The 感受 is undeniable.








~ xoxo

a failed fairytale

I never like Alanis Morissette or Karen Mok. Karen Mok is like the asian Alanis.

Till today, a close friend told me Alanis's "Ironic" song best define my current situation.

After listening to it, comprehending the lyrics.. Trying not to let it get me. I laughed then sulked.
Yeah, she's right. Unfortunately to my case.
Her exact words would be, "This doesn't happen all the time ok, re-enacting a scene from a song. Lol"

Damn she's right and she thought it was bizarre and funny. Ugh. Fxxx me.

Google can be the best, most useful tool ever invented to dig any dirty stuff or throwing answers to any impossible question regardless of right or wrong.
It's EVIL, I must say.. to my case.
Found out some little fishy details about this particular particular.
I am sorta kinda burnt. 

I know, KNEW I shouldn't play with fire but I lead the fire to start.. a little. 

Good thing was.. the fire was killing small.. mere sparkle.. still able to kill cool it.

A traffic jam when you're already late

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

It's meeting the man of my dreams

And then meeting his beautiful wife

And isn't it ironic...don't you think

A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

Yes. Go figure, all you clever bastards.
Screw me.

I'm not happy.
But I will not think this tomorrow.
This will end today.


I shall rest my case.


I mean it. Period.

signs of fatigue

I'm speechless and helpless AGAIN.

She's up to her tricks again. Yes AGAIN.

I know she meant no harm but it's so so so annoying.

I'm flustered and speechless and speechless  and speechless.

Worst that pop was on her side. 

She have her way in words (pssstt those red angry ones) and the super capability in making me feel sooooooo bad. 

I'm not a stuck-up!!!! I just don't find it appropriate.

I just hope I can lead my life the way I want it. Spontaneous and just-go-with-whatever-that-comes especially in that "category". Once in a lifetime "category". 

I felt like a subject to be inspected by different departments before submission then to be graded again by the main cast.

Why all the hassle? Let the young people do their thing. 

Why email photographs, fb addresses, emails? *faints*

If we want to meet up then we meet up, but not with the entire neighbourhood.

I'm a goner.

* *

A vain pix to end the post.

There's a reason you're not in a relationship for the longest time.

enough said.

why rush? 

I'm ONLY 28.

Right?

.

.

.

.

Right?

. . .

Those sweet desires are not just to imagine..

When you're slightly down, y'know one of those emo days.. 

Listen to some sappy meaningful song, or

get comfy in your pillows watching a movie marathon..

Just close your eyes.. 

You will be alright..
Come morning light, 

you and I will be safe and sound..

or just grab a cup of colorful healthy froyo.. 

sweet endorphin-releasing food.. 

*finger crossed* wishing for a better colorful tomorrow.

*

One of those days when you tell yourself... 

what hurts the most is talking to him on the phone like everything is okay.. 

but then, 

when you hang up, you realise he didn't say...

"I miss you" 

like he used to.

his "literary figure of speech"...

He's talking to me metaphorically.
I don't like.
The overflowing details and the excuses.
I don't like either.
I don't like I don't like I don't like.
I'm not happy bout it.
Metaphors? *smirks*
Crap.

Trying to not be affected by it.

but FAILED TREMENDOUSLY.
Can't hide it at all. Not one bit.




Behsong-lar~~!!

i know i shouldn't but i can't help it...

Yesterday was really bad. Emotionally I mean.

Until last night, somehow things changed and feelings lifted to a slight better which I can easily "metaphorically" phrase it to two lines from William Shakespeare's "Sonnet XLIII"

"All days are nights to see till I see thee,
And nights bright days when dreams do show thee to me."

- -

you can check the paraphrase here, if you wish to..*click*

Unexplainable

I miss him. Suddenly.

This is normal... but bad.

Want.

I want something that even I find it hard to archieve.

Have a lil faith and fate? Yeah I'm waiting for you to do something.

Oh quick.

impossible meets

Met a guy in some events.

He gave me fluttery feeling in my stomach.

It's been a long time since I met one who can do that.

I love my Life

I don't want to be in a match-make scenario.

I don't see 26 years old is an issue.

Nuff said.