once upon my past..

what a love/hate friend said did get me thinking for awhile.
pretty similar to what I have always been thinking to myself but hearing it from someone straight..
words just bang you like a gust of windd.. the feeling just.. simply.. different. a little empty too.
i do wonder how i have become who i am today.. personality wise at least..
i was once called very naive and blur but who i am today.. i earned them.
for being so-called tough and independent are what i am striving for almost 7 years.
a year with Alvin changed my entire life, it was a very bad experience which tears can still easily flow anytime when i think back of the past. not because of him, but i felt very stupid of the actions and sacrifices i did.. decisions i've made.. i pity my past self.

since him, life ain't quite the same. it's like a hard slap waking you up like welcome to the fugly world.
i learnt the bad way to stand on my own feet, be passionate with what i like doing, setting life goals to achieve.. at least am still trying to achieve now. not giving up yet. complaints, emo moments, temperamental screamings are just part and parcel of everyday life facing the evil stress. a way of de-stressing.. i want to prove to myself that i can do something out of me. life is so short and fragile that sometimes it's not even enough to live in. there's so much i wish i can do but counting forward, just not enough time. i may sound selfish that i want to have a lot of things but i am not greedy in wanting things that i know are out of my league. i want my family to live better and i want myself to live a good life. I have not met anyone special in particular that can provide me with sense of security hence I cannot just sit here not doing anything waiting for his arrival right? i have to know how to live my own life. be independent.

am I surrounded with my subconscious walls that I literally did not know I build?
i am one who like to express myself emotionally.. spitting words right out of my mind which ended me up with either more friends or foes. i am not vengeful that's for sure. dramatically? maybe but not exaggerating.
romantically wise is definitely history. i no longer know how love felt like. how butterflies squeezing through the long intestines. i dare not trust what others have to say. romantic words, sweet talks are so far away from me. flirting is altogether a different thing comparing to how-i-know-he's-my-one thing.
i am not stating that i do not need a man in my life. I do. i want to have my own family. I want a perfect life, who doesn't? I just want a moderate very happy family. need not to have a villa on top of the hill, Barbie's Ken as husband, kids with Albert's IQ.. i just want... to be happy. and satisfied with life.

I do feel very lonely at times when i'm sad, tired and need someone to listen to me, to pamper me, to just give me a hug and tell me things will be fine. that person is always never there. 7 years is very long. very very long. to the extend, i almost believe romance will be the last thing that will ever happen in my life.

Patience is dying.