To you, I poured myself out… part 1

What could have been mine?? part 1

For the last recent days, I wasn't that much of myself. Mind drifting towards superfluous things. Haha.. I’m not like this often, just sometimes I ought to think too much out of the box. Why of all the sudden? Cos of the things I've saw, heard, and feel..

Was standing outside Secret Recipe that day at Cheras, looking for my car keys, this girl was crying to her friends. I'm sorry to eavesdrop but she suddenly blubbered out loud, “2 years!!! Now he dumped me because his friends said I'm fat & ugly”...

I tell you.. She’s not THAT fat.. not THAT pretty just typical chinese look.. but.. UrGHh!! Though it was none of my biz, but I saw red. How typical of guys nowadays. I understand humans are always stereotyped but.. I mean.. seriously.. do looks really matter that much comparable to inner beauty.. You can't expect every girl to be stick-thin, model-features & all, then where all the fat girls gonna go?? Looks don’t last but inner do. He will say 'what lies beneath' Reality bites, girls. It's just all sweet talk. What is love nowadays? Last time, love is so incomparable. Love is perhaps too large/deep to be understand/describe by words, but in this context love is: The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. Now? Love is purely lust. Girlfriends or boyfriends are not something you bring out to your friends to promote.. but they're someone special to you that drastically brings a whole new stir in you.. Call me 'kolot'. I felt so sad.

Like some things that you desire for so much is just right in front of you, you reached out your hand but you just keep couldn't reach onto it. You longed for it, it's just there.. but yet you couldn't touch it.. Gosh... the feeling really sucks. Whether I've experienced this or not, it's a secret. =P

Like I've said in my earlier post... When we have the chance to desire it, we refused it utterly.. When the chance is all vanished, then we'll hope for its return. Why? You know, sometimes things or people around us who love us, we take it for granted.. but when it’s gone for good, then only you feel the loss. If you really want it.. take it.. just take it, hold it & love it.. you won’t find the same him/her twice..

- Before you can even get it, you lose it.
- When you're in high chance in getting it, you withdraw.
- When you had it, you threw it away, then you cry...

The feeling of longing and losing is overbearing... I hate to lose someone. I hate the feel of deep prick in my heart. For me, I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, dumped, break-ups, yelled-at, jokes, love, compliments, critics everything. I'm like a cry baby.. Too emotional.

I feel I'm going to lose someone, the feeling in me.. is sinking n sinking n sinking.. let's say it's like he's there everyday, for you, with you, by you.. just suddenly the next day he ain't there anymore. What difference does it made the world? Nothing. Nothing changed, life still goes on, the wind still gushing, sun still as bright every morning but the feeling of emptiness, the falling in me, the insecurities, the misery, the grief, the hurt, emotionally damaged.. just made me cry till I can cry no more. I don’t know how to cry any longer. Losing something you like, it's like you'll keep missing it, keep thinking of it, keep wanting it back but yet you know it's truly impossible. It's just that you walking further away. The numbness, the huge dent in me that just couldn’t cure. You made me feel you, want to be with you but of all the sudden you withdraw yourself from me. Holding you yet not feeling you. Why??

Is this love? Or just any liking business?
Ask me why I want to fall in love?
Simple.. because I want to be loved.
Conscience keep telling me, I'm going to lose you..
For real?