Sunday, November 27, 2011

such a nervous-wreckk

Arhhh... I hope I will feel better after spilling this out.

Yup. It's totally another panic-attack! Fark.
One of those many many days where I am just numbstruckkk.. if such a word exist.
Not feeling numb of pins and needles but more like..
every phrase/question outta of me begins with Fuck.
Questions kept running in my head eversince I woke up like 3 hours ago.
Kept thinking of might-have-or-might-not-have stuff in my head and yes all related to WORK.

I hate my job sometimes. Too many things to consider, too many important decision to make, too many people to control and handle with, too many fake smiles to throw out too.. some told me it's all parts n parcel of life but then some babes do not have to go through all these hassle to get a good life. so why meeee? okay maybe I am just babbling and not thinking straight here but sometimes i do envy those tai-tai's life, evening hi-tea, acting bimbo all the time, shopping 24/7 and and andd.. wait..
I DO LOVE MY JOB!!! but-buttt the depression, frustration and anger that I have to go through.. really really ticked me off all the time!!! I hate my job.. ARghhh see I don't even know if I love or hate my job. What a wreck!!
Yeah, was telling Sarah bout my nervous breakdown earlier and she thinks I'm getting some serious shit "cold feet" before my wedding day kind-of-attitude. *grins* i hope.

I have this project. Not to say very big or such-a-big-of-a-deal..
but somehow I just panicked.
Some stresses that I myself do not comprehend. I hate that architect btw.
He makes my life miserable.
Or are architects all anallish, or they always like to act "like-jack dawson-standing-at-the-bow-of-the-ship-screaming-I'm THE king of the world-nonsense?
Anyway, that's totally a different chapter from this post.

Back to my unnecessary unexplainable panic-attack.. I still kept thinking..
Am I good for the job? Am I doing the right things? What to do next? How to handle? Am I on the right track? Will everything turn out okay? What if I screw it up? What if I make a wrong decision? What if What if all-the-wayyyy..... *grunts*

I know I have to do this first then do that later and thaat thatt thaaattt in the end..
but somehow my mind is jumbling everything up.. whatthefuckkk!! I know!! argh..
Like I don't even know how to make a priority list!!
I need to relax.. and chill.. and slowly plan things through. Okay not too slow 'cos I ain't got that much time but at least get things straighten out and start commencing on one by one whichever the priority list runs on.

I'm feeling sooo lethargic today.
Thanks to my blocked nose and sky-high fever temperature.
Is that why i'm going gaga today? I never felt this way in such a long time.
Anxiety Disorder.
Will I suffer a psychological collapse?  *faints*

God pls help clear my monsoon mind.

Saturday, November 26, 2011


I just finished TVB's Forensic Heroes 3. *click*
All main cast and characters are totally different. I really like the Season 1 & 2's bunch of characters expecially Charmaine Sheh and Bobby Au-yong..
but Season 3's aint that bad either.
New casts creates a "fresher" feel.. I like Wayne Lai and Kate Tsui. Hehee.

One of the dramas that you can watch over and over again...
no matter whichever episodes you choose from.
It's a bit slow though the storyline, I mean, as like almost 3 episode to solve 1 case.
Nevertheless, overall I like it.. I'm watching episode 8 again. Haha. compared to CSI NY, my all-time favourite!!~
CSI still rocks, BIG time!!~~

Friday, November 25, 2011

my stubborn diva nose

oh flu.. i hate you...
can you pls go away.. like literally get lost...
ahhhhhhh hate the blocked breathingggggg...
Feeling so damn lethargic now. Tons of work piling up for the weekend.
I can't get sick. Sheeshhh.. *stressed*
Argh you're such a diva, you NOSE!!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Louise and my Eiffel

Was wearing my favourite bracelet from one of my dearest girlfriends.
Louise gave me Thomas Sabo for my 27th birthday after delaying for few months. =P
She added a charm of Paris Eiffel Tower, meaning to say she has literally "no money" to fly me to Paris and hope this charm will satisfy me for now. Haha.

Yup that's Louise.
Oh well, that explains it. Funny people do funny unexplainable things at times.
Took with PopBooth App with her Ipad. 
Good times last. yay.

Friday, November 18, 2011

passport photo ok?

Make a good passport photo, huh?

I was bored in our hotel suite in Penang.
Had to have fun to un-bore ourselves.
And this was my masterpiece. =P

me no see well. oh no.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I dress in balsamic today.

Haven't been working this weekend.
Was overcoming my "emo-breakdown" and yeah being plain lazy.
I filtered and clean my laptop's desktop screen, deleted over 20G of rubbish.
Rearranged my project list, site photos, drawing numbers etc etc.
And well at the same time, still watching Glee. Started on Season 2 already.
Cheerful watching this TV Series, seriously made me laugh with glee and also chills ran up and down my spine watching them sing really love ballads and old classics. 
Wow, love 'em.
Did almost everything with my laptop today and well, yesterday too but just no work. 
Oh wait, I did one 3D view last night at wee hours but took me like just 2 hours to complete that simple task and emailed to my client by this morning.

I'm so so so plain lazy when it comes to do work related WORK.
Visited my babysitter's brother who was diagnosed with Miller Fischer Syndrome
Sigh breaks my heart. Seeing elderly (but not so elderly yet, perhaps in 50s) getting all sorts of illness and stuff.. just made me appreciate life a little bit more these days. Have tons of funny thoughts running through my mind as I was doing my daily routine, talking to the people I talk everyday, caring bout the people I care all my life, trying to accept new people into my life without much selfish hesitation. I just want to be happy and free

Anyway, though I kept saying that i'm very lazy today, but I made dinner for my sister and me. Parents and lil brother attending my far-far-far cousin's wedding at Equatorial KL.
Sister will be attending her first SPM exam tomorrow. *fingers crossed* Do well, girl. 

Dinner I made tonight. Salad with cheese, garlic ham and balsamic sauce as sides..
and Pasta in Creamy Mushroom and Onion as main. 
One plate for both of us girls tonight and damn were we full. *grins*
We finished the entire tupperware of salad. Onion was kinda overpowering tho.
Cooking is fun when food tasted good or well, edible and no complaints.

Till then. 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

nothing dissolves with oblivious

yeah I don't get it sometimes.
I'm watching Glee now at the same time typing-in this post.
Trying to be glee, I guess.

I have a conversation with this particular "Mary" who do have huge impact in my life.
Hate the way Mary thinks of me sometimes. Full of negativity and pessimistic, Mary said.
Well not in exact words, but yeah NEGATIVE is always the "essence" to her preach.

I am not declaring myself as negative because I just want to be prepared. Pessimistic is so not right to describe my expressing opinions. I know we have to be optimistic at times, that's correct but not all the time because we have to be alert to whatever issues that you might face as nothing in the real world is like fairytale where everything end with happily ever after. We are not living Disney characters.

Aih I'm so not good in putting this metaphorically but I need to get it out.

Anyway, there's always an issue but I'll speak up my opinion but Mary will assume I'm being all not supportive and throwing poison ivy. I'm just stating the Pro and Cons and yes the consequences; in a very polite manner but.. YES!! BUT again.. but Mary only sees the Pro she proclaims and so-called Cons that she thinks are not valid. Not everything is to what one thinks, pls stand in all sorts of perspectives before you draw a conclusion so strong that we just have to obey to and case closed; no comments as we're be accused (ok too strong of a word) assumed we're being pessimistic. There are things that are right to your face but you're just too oblivious about it or maybe you just want things to go your way OR you just ignore their existence and thinking "Nah not happening.."

I've been in those shoes. I know what it is like, the fit, the effort, the responsibilities, the burden and sometimes peer pressure that you might think it's nothing. Not worth? then ignore la. Come on life ain't just about cutting people away or crossing them out with expensive your Mont Blanc pen. Life is about accepting and finding a way out that at the end of the day you won't be the one feeling sorry for yourself. If everything or everyone follows you around mimicking all your action and personality, that's probably your clone. I am sad. Depressed can be used to describe me sometimes.

I sit down sometimes and reflect of things that I've done previously or how I wish I could have done it differently and all those IF and SHOULD-HAVE will start to flood in. But then a friend once told me, one failure in the past will be your future success, simply because you need to realise your mistake and not repeat it again, in fact do something even better. With all Mary's assumption and pessimistic opinion about my negativity makes me very insecure sometimes. With one nod or sigh will affect my feelings. Sounds emotional ey? Mary's one great person that has such huge impact on me because I want her to be proud of me. I am sure she is but the way she's promoting them is quite tearing me up. Compliments won't hurt from time to time but ignorance will. I am not some strong shield that can protect my fragility from canon balls comments.

I just hate the feeling of being assumed before hearing me out and then makes me feel so so so insecure with myself. I'll have doubts with decision I have to make. I may look like I do have confidence, but sometimes it's faked. I need real confidence to boost myself up. Life's a stageplay.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Amber and her 11.11.11

Mommy, Baby and Daddy.
 Happy small family of 3.

 Strawberry Milk, Mommy, Baby Aden & his Old Date, yours truly. =P

 Happy Birthday Aunty Amber!!
Her first year celebrating as a Mommy to Baby Aden.

 Red Velvet Cake from La Manila.

"Getting a huge bite!!"

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Oh damn

Ok I admit that somehow out of nowhere I miss him quite a bit lately even though I do not know why. I'm terrified too; it's like whatthefuckwentwrongwithme!!??

Felt better?
Err.. Nah.

i feel emo now.

Guess this week will be one of those badly-affected emo days.
It's like me asking myself repeatedly. "What the hell are you thinking?"
Be patience. It's fine to have none at the moment.

Oh work is not so "passionate" lately.
I'm feeling oh-so-brain-dead.