such a nervous-wreckk

Arhhh... I hope I will feel better after spilling this out.

Yup. It's totally another panic-attack! Fark.
One of those many many days where I am just numbstruckkk.. if such a word exist.
Not feeling numb of pins and needles but more like..
every phrase/question outta of me begins with Fuck.
Questions kept running in my head eversince I woke up like 3 hours ago.
Kept thinking of might-have-or-might-not-have stuff in my head and yes all related to WORK.

I hate my job sometimes. Too many things to consider, too many important decision to make, too many people to control and handle with, too many fake smiles to throw out too.. some told me it's all parts n parcel of life but then some babes do not have to go through all these hassle to get a good life. so why meeee? okay maybe I am just babbling and not thinking straight here but sometimes i do envy those tai-tai's life, evening hi-tea, acting bimbo all the time, shopping 24/7 and and andd.. wait..
I DO LOVE MY JOB!!! but-buttt the depression, frustration and anger that I have to go through.. really really ticked me off all the time!!! I hate my job.. ARghhh see I don't even know if I love or hate my job. What a wreck!!
Yeah, was telling Sarah bout my nervous breakdown earlier and she thinks I'm getting some serious shit "cold feet" before my wedding day kind-of-attitude. *grins* i hope.

I have this project. Not to say very big or such-a-big-of-a-deal..
but somehow I just panicked.
Some stresses that I myself do not comprehend. I hate that architect btw.
He makes my life miserable.
Or are architects all anallish, or they always like to act "like-jack dawson-standing-at-the-bow-of-the-ship-screaming-I'm THE king of the world-nonsense?
Anyway, that's totally a different chapter from this post.

Back to my unnecessary unexplainable panic-attack.. I still kept thinking..
Am I good for the job? Am I doing the right things? What to do next? How to handle? Am I on the right track? Will everything turn out okay? What if I screw it up? What if I make a wrong decision? What if What if all-the-wayyyy..... *grunts*

I know I have to do this first then do that later and thaat thatt thaaattt in the end..
but somehow my mind is jumbling everything up.. whatthefuckkk!! I know!! argh..
Like I don't even know how to make a priority list!!
I need to relax.. and chill.. and slowly plan things through. Okay not too slow 'cos I ain't got that much time but at least get things straighten out and start commencing on one by one whichever the priority list runs on.

I'm feeling sooo lethargic today.
Thanks to my blocked nose and sky-high fever temperature.
Is that why i'm going gaga today? I never felt this way in such a long time.
Anxiety Disorder.
Will I suffer a psychological collapse?  *faints*


God pls help clear my monsoon mind.