be a half

I'm tired of being responsible.
I'm tired of having to always make the right decision.
I'm tired of "acting" what people expect me to be.
I'm tired of always having to think on your behalf!!!
Can I just go away for 1 day... maybe you will find my existence worth something.
I never felt appreciated. Only hammering negativism.
I think I want to rebel.
Hence my old age, but I don't give a fuck.

lately

Hate to admit but yes, I do feel that sometimes.
But there's nothing I can do about it, hence just let the feeling go. :)

Piece of Love.

I purchased a CD last night. Piece of Love. 

Description stated by today's most outstanding female audiophile voices.

Woke up early to a quiet house this morning.

Put my headphones on and start to inch away from the blinking emails, over-piling papers and unnecessary thoughts.

If only I can gaze out the window the entire day, listening to these inspiring love songs and wander off into my own space. Weather is perfect today.

Sky is still grey after the morning rain.. a slight breeze, after-rain smell. 

Hmm. it's comforting.

It's a musical rainbow to set you in the mood.

it's blue and the blues.

That's my favourite color lately.
Electric Blue.
And Monday never felt sooooooooo blue for the longest time.
I'm so dreading my feet to work. Arghhhhh~

Yeah BB King.. blue blue king. Lol.
Somehow after this song. I felt even... blue-r.



Your love is like a cigarette.. How blue can you get?

coulda, shoulda, woulda..

One of my fave quotes in Sex and the City.

persistence

I felt a slap right on my face when I checked my phone this morning.
Yeah something that I was denying a little while ago just happened or happened few days ago that I didn't realized it until I saw it earlier and oh I felt stupid silly. Somehow I'm much more alert now. I hope I'm not assuming. At least be right, this time. I never felt this for the longest time and yes the are "repetitive results".

I guessed feelings fussed up too much before that I didn't see this coming or I'm simply living in denial. I hate the fact that sometimes I think too much up there in my scrawny brain that reality it won't happen. Ahh I'm not sure if I'm feeling relieved (a little) or upset that the same things are happening again.

I'm really unsure and I dare not ask hence dare not expect.
I have a jinxed habit where the more I want something to happen or imagined what would it be like if I had it, I'll totally lost it in reality. See why I always said expectation are not worth expecting?

I think too much. That's my trouble.
People ask me to hope and try. Hope and try?
I hate to be let down AGAIN.
Constant disappointments are killing. Demotivates almost everything for awhile.
Enough.

Some things are better kept unchecked unsaid, I mean.
Sometimes most things that you do not know.. it's better remain that way.

Now I asked myself.. "Am I really relieved now?"
A small part of me said no. not at all.
It's always easier to live in denial.

As thoughts getting random..

As you lay in the cold room 'alert' at 5:35am after an abrupt wake, I just can't doze back. One of the worst moment because I will stay awake and start thinking into the dark. Thoughts of the moment that might vanish when the early clouds creep back.

I posted a status on Facebook minutes ago stating if only life has a manual. Somehow that just popped into my head and I think I'm might be just trying to escape from reality once in a while. I hate making life decision sometimes. Always stuck at some crossroad balancing the pro and cons, making right and wrong assumption that leads to good or bad decision. Why can't life be more direct or lesser harm done when bad decision or actions are made? Yeah I know life is bout experimenting blah blah blah but don't you think life is a little too short that you have to keep experimenting every move? What if keep making bad lousy decision? Blamed in on bad luck or bad judgement? And what happens to that yolo thing? Argh.

Starting on my own wasn't a day or two decision until I was literally drawn into it that I didn't realise it was actually happening. So stressed sometimes that breathing twice as much do no help. Well, there wasn't much support in the first place due to business risks and my young age, even my gender.. especially that particular someone who never fails to once in a while suggested me to leave my industry altogether. Why can't you do an easier job? A simpler 9-5 office work that need not to deal with so many issues, dirty sites and nasty men at the same time; and one work environment will somehow change one's character. I half agree to that simply cos I do agree I am no longer the dainty or naive soft spoken girl. I speak my mind, my thoughts and decision. is that harsh? Isn't that a part of growing up? I can't be the nice girl forever but I am still me. I don't do stupid things to harm myself or my family and friends. Life's too precious. I'm not even the suicidal type. I always believe in my own hard work.

And I hate those people that give ideas or advice just for the sake of doing their part for talking 'participation' only since at the end of the day I'm the one who face all consequences and not you. Well I won't do it to people I care. So shut it when you don't mean it. I've always end up lending my ear to people who needs a listener simply cos I don't judge. Life are all bout decision you make and you will be the one walking down the 'consequence' trails but I will still give my sincere opinions.. and again I still hate the fact that life didn't come with a manual. I might be a lil negative at times when most problems faced by other people are always the same as yours, same plot but they ran differently in the leading characters and time. Then somehow I'll relate myself too much to it then.. Wham! Retail therapy.

And I hate things going half bake. I do not wish to guess or second guess or third guess your next move. Or why are you doing this or why aren't you doing that like wtf you taking me for granted to your convenience? Speak up or make some obvious action. That would tell enough. I like surprises but only good surprises. Other than that I want things planned. At least a path to show where things are getting to. 'Going with the flow' I find that risky.

I hate him. I hate him for making me go through shits that makes me harder to trust people. I want to just give in my trust without much contemplation or fighting with my inner thoughts giving myself ten thousand over reasons to consider. A minute decision to end up an hour of debating thoughts. The longer your pro and con lists; the harder you decide and by the time you have decided, poof! it went with the wind. This is one thing I have always try to change and still hate the 'experience' he once sucked it up into me. It's a permanent scar.

It's 6:11am. I think I crapped enough and my eyes are getting tired of the brightness of the screen. I might turn in for a quick forty winks and stop thinking.

I always think out loud just to get things out. Not LOA but just expressive. Nothing secretive hence I penned it all here. And I feel better.

A little.

condemnation

big bad wolf is a bastard










big time.
all time.

爱一个人好难

I like Black and White. Period.

habits are hard little buggers to kill

Bad habits are hard to die.
But who to define they are bad.
Good. Bad. Habits are habits.
Especially when habits involved a person.
What if one day this habit just die off without my consent?
What will happen then?
Habits that are hard to kill and the fear of losing someone..
simply sums up to... err..
I'm still figuring out the answer or maybe I refused to. Just let it be.
If there's no "failure", that might possibly lead to a good "routine".



But whatever happens, tomorrow will always be a better day.


* *


I can never remember much Chinese song titles or celebrities except maybe the really famous ones. I was searching for some instrumental jazzy songs on YouTube yesterday and somehow stumbled onto these songs.
Piano Covers for  鄧福如 - 如果有如果 and 田馥甄 - 還是要幸福.
Easy on ears. Nice. The 感受 is undeniable.








~ xoxo

unavailing

There are some vain efforts to escape from reality.

accumulated stir

It's bizarre how one sentence from a particular someone can totally fucking ruin your entire day.
Words are so powerful that I would really really appreciate if you could think twice before saying anything.

Enough is enough.
Period.