Friday, December 07, 2012

As thoughts getting random..

As you lay in the cold room 'alert' at 5:35am after an abrupt wake, I just can't doze back. One of the worst moment because I will stay awake and start thinking into the dark. Thoughts of the moment that might vanish when the early clouds creep back.

I posted a status on Facebook minutes ago stating if only life has a manual. Somehow that just popped into my head and I think I'm might be just trying to escape from reality once in a while. I hate making life decision sometimes. Always stuck at some crossroad balancing the pro and cons, making right and wrong assumption that leads to good or bad decision. Why can't life be more direct or lesser harm done when bad decision or actions are made? Yeah I know life is bout experimenting blah blah blah but don't you think life is a little too short that you have to keep experimenting every move? What if keep making bad lousy decision? Blamed in on bad luck or bad judgement? And what happens to that yolo thing? Argh.

Starting on my own wasn't a day or two decision until I was literally drawn into it that I didn't realise it was actually happening. So stressed sometimes that breathing twice as much do no help. Well, there wasn't much support in the first place due to business risks and my young age, even my gender.. especially that particular someone who never fails to once in a while suggested me to leave my industry altogether. Why can't you do an easier job? A simpler 9-5 office work that need not to deal with so many issues, dirty sites and nasty men at the same time; and one work environment will somehow change one's character. I half agree to that simply cos I do agree I am no longer the dainty or naive soft spoken girl. I speak my mind, my thoughts and decision. is that harsh? Isn't that a part of growing up? I can't be the nice girl forever but I am still me. I don't do stupid things to harm myself or my family and friends. Life's too precious. I'm not even the suicidal type. I always believe in my own hard work.

And I hate those people that give ideas or advice just for the sake of doing their part for talking 'participation' only since at the end of the day I'm the one who face all consequences and not you. Well I won't do it to people I care. So shut it when you don't mean it. I've always end up lending my ear to people who needs a listener simply cos I don't judge. Life are all bout decision you make and you will be the one walking down the 'consequence' trails but I will still give my sincere opinions.. and again I still hate the fact that life didn't come with a manual. I might be a lil negative at times when most problems faced by other people are always the same as yours, same plot but they ran differently in the leading characters and time. Then somehow I'll relate myself too much to it then.. Wham! Retail therapy.

And I hate things going half bake. I do not wish to guess or second guess or third guess your next move. Or why are you doing this or why aren't you doing that like wtf you taking me for granted to your convenience? Speak up or make some obvious action. That would tell enough. I like surprises but only good surprises. Other than that I want things planned. At least a path to show where things are getting to. 'Going with the flow' I find that risky.

I hate him. I hate him for making me go through shits that makes me harder to trust people. I want to just give in my trust without much contemplation or fighting with my inner thoughts giving myself ten thousand over reasons to consider. A minute decision to end up an hour of debating thoughts. The longer your pro and con lists; the harder you decide and by the time you have decided, poof! it went with the wind. This is one thing I have always try to change and still hate the 'experience' he once sucked it up into me. It's a permanent scar.

It's 6:11am. I think I crapped enough and my eyes are getting tired of the brightness of the screen. I might turn in for a quick forty winks and stop thinking.

I always think out loud just to get things out. Not LOA but just expressive. Nothing secretive hence I penned it all here. And I feel better.

A little.

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