it is hell

I just completed Hell's Kitchen Season 8.
*evil laughs* all in two nights when I'm working on my design proposals.
Starting on Season 9. Distress me totally and gave me a few laughs.

I like Gordon. Really. He's perfect. (at least for his HK reality show though)
Love his sarcasm and profanity. Entertaining.
He was a footballer back then turned celebrity chef.
Worked his ass up. Like wow.
He inspires me in mixed feelings from admiration to scorn and to passionate.
He's tough and take no crap from people, which leads to him speaking his mind out straight and his constant cursing became a part of his charm and personality.
But he can be a meaner, very arrogant and bully.
I wouldn't want to appear in the same room with him when he's being hot up all in his head. But well they are constantly working in a hot stressful kitchen, you expect dainty talking? He has this passion and expectation so high up that everything matters before he put them on the table. You might say it's all reality show format whatsoever but I'm just enjoying what I'm watching. Not going to think what's beyond the show.
And and and he does a lot of great work of charity. Kudos.

I'm babbling, ain't I? Haha.
I'm just distressing.

Okay back to episode 4 and work.
Peace out.

with or without meant nothin' anymore

You know, I heard this song like ten thousand trillion times before...
but.. but never ever noticed her lyrics.
It is quite "power-talking". Haha.

It finally caught my attention when I was driving home earlier from a long day of work..
It was on air.. and well it hit me on the chorus; right on the sec I was thinking of something similar. Anyway the song was Demi Lovato's Skyscraper.

It was this part at first..

As the smoke clears, I awaken,
And untangle you from me,
Would it make you feel better,
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken,
But I'm standing on my feet.

then...

You can take everything I have,
You can break everything I am,
Like I'm made of glass,
Like I'm made of paper,
Go on and try to tear me down,
I will be rising from the ground,
Like a skyscraper.

Dumbstruck and I laughed out loud. 

How ironic.

How coincident things can be. 

But I am happy today.

Somehow or rather the clouds hid away and the sun is back.

Hope tomorrow will always be a better day.  

*fingerscrossed*

Christmas

It's Christmas.
Was out with the girls till 6am in the morning.
Came home bout 1pm and slept till err now?

Anyway, it's Christmas.
As they say, the blessings of the peace, the beauty of hope, the spirit of the love and the comfort of faith..
May all these be my gifts for the Christmas season.
And I wish I can spend my Christmas next year with a special one I dear.
I think I had enough of 'single' Christmases.


Merry Christmas.
xoxo.

paint to find?

Hmm.. read this phrase somewhere...
"Being alone and recognition of that reality is part of the maturation process; part of becoming an individual human being..."

--

Well anyway, I felt better in a way.
Spent my afternoon rendering some illustration for this new apartment project, painting my nails with OPI's Gold Spark De Triomphe while waiting and watching reruns of Supernatural Season 1.
After a while I started on my PIY. I bought an empty PIY canvas few days ago.
Cost me like 99bucks for a 40x50cm.
At first I was skeptical but after getting started on it, I was actually glad.
Not as easy as you think it is.
Most importantly, I found a new hobby that eventually can remove evil thoughts off my mind.

Having to know how to express yourself through art is something words can't explain. 

Art as a hobby.. you have the freedom, relaxation and I might even say, fun,

I might get another one after I completed this piece. 

If I have more time, I might.. get hands-on on oil painting again.

Re-discover myself with strokes of colourful brushes.

Sounds good eh?

chemical romance

Clock strikes 11:03am.

One minute I felt it.
One minute I don't.
It's Christmas Eve.
I don't feel the joy.
I just want to crawl up in my bed and sleep.
At least I don't feel anything then.

It's messing with my mind, big time.
There's work, there's him, there's her, there's all the stress up there.
I have always LOVE year ends, but I really feel like crap now.
I just want to be alone and not do anything. Nothing. Nothing at all.

If only the time stopped.. just freeze the moment.

喜歡不是愛

Somehow stumbled onto the instrumental guitar version of this song on some guy's blog.
Caught my attention hence I googled it.
Never a big fan of mandarin pop songs.. never knew who sang which..
Hmm.. just very selected few but this song kind of bugged-on me.
Well in a good way, sorta. Lyrics are pretty much related in a few phrases..
Anyway I like it and I think she's adorable.




我閉上眼睛　貼著你心跳呼吸
而此刻地球　只剩我們而已
你微笑的唇型　總勾著我的心
每一秒初吻　我每一秒都想要吻你

就這樣　愛你愛你愛你　隨時都要一起
我喜歡　愛你外套味道　還有你的懷裡
把我們　衣服鈕扣互扣　那就不用分離
美好愛情　我就愛這樣貼近　因為你

有時沒生氣　故意鬧脾氣
你的緊張在意　讓我覺得安心
從你某個角度　我總看見自己
到底你懂我　或其實我本來就像你

想變成你的氧氣　溜進你身體裡
好好看看在你心裡
你有多麼寶貝　我愛你

就這樣　愛你愛你愛你　隨時都要一起
我喜歡　愛你外套味道　還有你的懷裡
把我們　衣服鈕扣互扣　那就不用分離
美好愛情　我就愛這樣貼近　因為你
我們愛情　會一直沒有距離　最美麗

Her official MV *here*

few of my favourite things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens..

These are the few of my favourite things.

They make me happy by just looking at these images.

The colors, the composition... Hmmm..

If only there are all right in front of me now.

Sigh.

My new whatsapp's wallpaper :)

Balloons. Heliums.

Fly me away kite.

Daisy and daisy.

xoxo

from michelle to michelle.

breathing space

As I was driving the long empty road earlier,
The city looked the same..
The people looked the same..
The cars looked the same..
It all looked the same..
but deep down, I knew it wasn't..
Just one night everything has changed.

Face it. I gave up trying.
Will leave it as it is for ample breathing space.
The world is not dead but my hopes kinda are.. hence..
I'll live it as a new life.


Happy birthday, M.

Last words

It's funny how life plays a fool out of you.

You told a friend a story to drive your insanity out.
Just need someone to talk to and give some opposite-sex opinion.
I admit, girls and their over-sized brains will intend to think way WAY out of the box especially that kind of imaginative and way creative person like me. Yes I'm not denying that sometimes I do have a bottomless pit of negativity like Uncle David said I was. Well, depends on what's the situation.

Being too optimistic can be quite a pain in the ass BIG time.
Too opti leads to overconfidence which will lead to bigger disappointments.
Disappointment is a free ticket to hell especially to deal on personal issues.

Anyway back to the story and the friend.
Some people just jump into opportunities at the damn wrong timing.
You're not my type. I truly believe I am not yours too.
But you asked to give it a try. But what's there to try?
I'm not some dress on sale that you can put on in the dressing room, twirl and dance in it then put it back on rack. Come on. Give me a break. I take things as such seriously.
I won't invest my feeling on someone whom I don't have feelings for.

Here I tell you I might actually "finally" like someone I hardly know which I don't even know it's right or wrong and there you advised me to divert it ON you? I can't bear to express a harsh no with intention of keeping a friendship hence the polite humour-off.
And then he asked me, "Why do nice people always choose the wrong people to date?"

You know if I have the answer, I won't be in the situation where sometimes it felt right and sometimes it just simply confusing. Ain't it? I haven't been feeling like this for years. It's stupid of me to allow it.

All I could say was.. "I'm evil. I desire the things which I know will destroy me in the end which leads me to me today." So serves me right, right?




*rolled eyes*

Bad habits are on the mode now.

Goodnight Doom's Eve.

fetish

Contemplating for the longest time.
It's too pricey but I might might might get it soon as I'm feeling like nutcase lately.
I need to love myself since no one is doing it.

*meditates*

Wishes.

Eight hours of sitting in front of my laptop today, the video shared below is the last song on my 3-songs-only playlist. Kept repeating alongside with Tamia's Officially Missing You and Enrique's Somebody's Me.
Sappy songs to 'accommodate' the bottomless pit of my negativity today.

dazed

Do not know how to think
Do not know how to do
Do not know how to feel
Do not know how to say
Do not know how to ask
Do not know how to explain
Do not know how to expect
Do not know how to ... not no know anything.

I know nothing.
As they say, "Time will tell."

But when?

i have issues

Starting my Tuesday morning with "OMFG what's wrong with me?"
I really really reaaaaaaaaaaaally need some sleep. Good deep sleep.
I haven't been sleeping well lately. Like living almost vampire-ish life.
Waking up at odd hours during the night, staring at the dark ceiling....
The mind will start to spin like a goddamn whirlpool.
Think about this, wonder about that, what ifs, should haves, why what how who etc.
I want answers to my endless questions which duh.. no answers.
I hate to constantly having to think about it. I hate it. Hate it. Hate.
It's really an ohmyfuckinggod situation.
Have not been in this so-called insomnia problem since early last year.
I really need some good rest. Some really sink-in rest. Just a dreamless sleep. Sleep dead.
I can't be waking up wee hours in the morning when I can only dozed off about 2am? or 3am? Sleeping hours are the pest. 4 hours? 3 hours? wtf.

Worst was being a fucking lightsleeper. Any fucking sound, a soft vibrate on my phone, birds letting out their first morning chirp, bloody Mat Rempits riding off to work, a loud sneeze woke me up. Literally. And that killed my sleep tremendously.
That's it. I'm awake like nobody's business.
Abrupt wakes will make me feel agitated as ever. Feeling like preggars throwing hormonal tantrums everywhere but well I didn't. Alright maybe a little. Just a very uptight feeling in my chest.. hence I really need my sleep. I don't want to kill anybody. Metaphorically. I am clueless what's wrong with me.
Desperately. I just want to close my eyes and see nothing, feel nothing, think nothing.
NIL.


NIL.




Seriously.
NIL.




*click*

be a half

I'm tired of being responsible.
I'm tired of having to always make the right decision.
I'm tired of "acting" what people expect me to be.
I'm tired of always having to think on your behalf!!!
Can I just go away for 1 day... maybe you will find my existence worth something.
I never felt appreciated. Only hammering negativism.
I think I want to rebel.
Hence my old age, but I don't give a fuck.

lately

Hate to admit but yes, I do feel that sometimes.
But there's nothing I can do about it, hence just let the feeling go. :)

Piece of Love.

I purchased a CD last night. Piece of Love. 

Description stated by today's most outstanding female audiophile voices.

Woke up early to a quiet house this morning.

Put my headphones on and start to inch away from the blinking emails, over-piling papers and unnecessary thoughts.

If only I can gaze out the window the entire day, listening to these inspiring love songs and wander off into my own space. Weather is perfect today.

Sky is still grey after the morning rain.. a slight breeze, after-rain smell. 

Hmm. it's comforting.

It's a musical rainbow to set you in the mood.

it's blue and the blues.

That's my favourite color lately.
Electric Blue.
And Monday never felt sooooooooo blue for the longest time.
I'm so dreading my feet to work. Arghhhhh~

Yeah BB King.. blue blue king. Lol.
Somehow after this song. I felt even... blue-r.



Your love is like a cigarette.. How blue can you get?

coulda, shoulda, woulda..

One of my fave quotes in Sex and the City.

persistence

I felt a slap right on my face when I checked my phone this morning.
Yeah something that I was denying a little while ago just happened or happened few days ago that I didn't realized it until I saw it earlier and oh I felt stupid silly. Somehow I'm much more alert now. I hope I'm not assuming. At least be right, this time. I never felt this for the longest time and yes the are "repetitive results".

I guessed feelings fussed up too much before that I didn't see this coming or I'm simply living in denial. I hate the fact that sometimes I think too much up there in my scrawny brain that reality it won't happen. Ahh I'm not sure if I'm feeling relieved (a little) or upset that the same things are happening again.

I'm really unsure and I dare not ask hence dare not expect.
I have a jinxed habit where the more I want something to happen or imagined what would it be like if I had it, I'll totally lost it in reality. See why I always said expectation are not worth expecting?

I think too much. That's my trouble.
People ask me to hope and try. Hope and try?
I hate to be let down AGAIN.
Constant disappointments are killing. Demotivates almost everything for awhile.
Enough.

Some things are better kept unchecked unsaid, I mean.
Sometimes most things that you do not know.. it's better remain that way.

Now I asked myself.. "Am I really relieved now?"
A small part of me said no. not at all.
It's always easier to live in denial.

As thoughts getting random..

As you lay in the cold room 'alert' at 5:35am after an abrupt wake, I just can't doze back. One of the worst moment because I will stay awake and start thinking into the dark. Thoughts of the moment that might vanish when the early clouds creep back.

I posted a status on Facebook minutes ago stating if only life has a manual. Somehow that just popped into my head and I think I'm might be just trying to escape from reality once in a while. I hate making life decision sometimes. Always stuck at some crossroad balancing the pro and cons, making right and wrong assumption that leads to good or bad decision. Why can't life be more direct or lesser harm done when bad decision or actions are made? Yeah I know life is bout experimenting blah blah blah but don't you think life is a little too short that you have to keep experimenting every move? What if keep making bad lousy decision? Blamed in on bad luck or bad judgement? And what happens to that yolo thing? Argh.

Starting on my own wasn't a day or two decision until I was literally drawn into it that I didn't realise it was actually happening. So stressed sometimes that breathing twice as much do no help. Well, there wasn't much support in the first place due to business risks and my young age, even my gender.. especially that particular someone who never fails to once in a while suggested me to leave my industry altogether. Why can't you do an easier job? A simpler 9-5 office work that need not to deal with so many issues, dirty sites and nasty men at the same time; and one work environment will somehow change one's character. I half agree to that simply cos I do agree I am no longer the dainty or naive soft spoken girl. I speak my mind, my thoughts and decision. is that harsh? Isn't that a part of growing up? I can't be the nice girl forever but I am still me. I don't do stupid things to harm myself or my family and friends. Life's too precious. I'm not even the suicidal type. I always believe in my own hard work.

And I hate those people that give ideas or advice just for the sake of doing their part for talking 'participation' only since at the end of the day I'm the one who face all consequences and not you. Well I won't do it to people I care. So shut it when you don't mean it. I've always end up lending my ear to people who needs a listener simply cos I don't judge. Life are all bout decision you make and you will be the one walking down the 'consequence' trails but I will still give my sincere opinions.. and again I still hate the fact that life didn't come with a manual. I might be a lil negative at times when most problems faced by other people are always the same as yours, same plot but they ran differently in the leading characters and time. Then somehow I'll relate myself too much to it then.. Wham! Retail therapy.

And I hate things going half bake. I do not wish to guess or second guess or third guess your next move. Or why are you doing this or why aren't you doing that like wtf you taking me for granted to your convenience? Speak up or make some obvious action. That would tell enough. I like surprises but only good surprises. Other than that I want things planned. At least a path to show where things are getting to. 'Going with the flow' I find that risky.

I hate him. I hate him for making me go through shits that makes me harder to trust people. I want to just give in my trust without much contemplation or fighting with my inner thoughts giving myself ten thousand over reasons to consider. A minute decision to end up an hour of debating thoughts. The longer your pro and con lists; the harder you decide and by the time you have decided, poof! it went with the wind. This is one thing I have always try to change and still hate the 'experience' he once sucked it up into me. It's a permanent scar.

It's 6:11am. I think I crapped enough and my eyes are getting tired of the brightness of the screen. I might turn in for a quick forty winks and stop thinking.

I always think out loud just to get things out. Not LOA but just expressive. Nothing secretive hence I penned it all here. And I feel better.

A little.