it farking hurts the fragile me

I really don't understand sometimes.
Like totally clueless.
All the "whys" and "whys" and "whyyyss" squirming in my head.

I finally graduated last month, and started working full-time permanently for this firm I'm been part-timing for almost a year throughout my final degree year. I have 3 projects on my hands now that are rushing to be launched before Chinese New Year. From the same client cum developer. There are a lot to be done now, a lot to be rushed, a lot to be make sure everything went on pace. These projects have been on for months.. since like beginning of the year. They were KIV due to some authority business. Now that suddenly the developer wanted to rush before CNY, there are a lot of things now to be revised and follow up.

You know where all these explanation heading to?

No? Me neither.
It sounds like just another part and parcel of life.
Just another thick-headed client that wants things all last minute.
Sounds pretty normal right?
I mean what is work life? I mean you have to work for a living, right?
Work to your boss+clients+partners+etc's needs and satisfaction right?
Moreover worst when your work is partially on "servicing people" and "selling"?
Do your own responsibilities and duties.
Due to a hectic deadline, we sometimes need to rush right?
OT and late nights, late dinners, long long jammed-up drive back home..

Do you understand now??

No? Not yet.

Alright.

So my problem dilemma is this.
She has been giving me a lot temper problems lately.
She don't talk to me but in fact, she snapped at me.
For the whole day I'm not at home, she can heeheehaahaa with the sibs.
But when I place my first footstep of the day back at home, she starting yelling.
She keep mentioning on how I abandoned her and the rest.
Treating her as a old maid and her roof as a cheap motel with room services.
Hate the most when she said..
"You will die working before you earn your first million."
"You can packed up and move out and cut strings."
"I won't ask you anything anymore. Just don't talk to me like how I won't want talk to you."
"Why not you just camp in your office?"
"I don't know what I did in my past life to have you this life? Must be karma"

All these late nights and OTs are not to my liking either, alright.
Who would want to work late nights all the way in KL?
Driving back to Klang now is farking really a headache.
Long long long long jams. Totally a nightmare.
Going to work takes hours, coming back late evening or night also freaking jammed up.

Do you feel me now??

I envied them who can at least be at ease at home.
I want that desperately now but she's not just planning to give.
She's just being a hardrock ass which I hate to go home after work lately.
Everything out of her mouth is spits and spikes.

Cut me some slack, will ya?

I'm not complaining. Just hope that she can understand that working is not easy.
Not as easy as reaching office by 9am and leaving sharp by 6pm.
You think leaving KL by 6pm, I can reach Klang by 7pm? Never.
With the Klang bridges all closed up now for that stupid construction, WORST.

I just want a little TLC and calmness to soothe my mood back after a long day at work.
I'm all squeezed out with no juices left.
Back here, a level of stressfulness just mountain up. Worst than being in office.
When you're busy, hours flew pass like nobody's business.
Coming back here trying to ease my mind, "hardcore fengtau rhythms" attacking my head.
I really hate coming back lately. And OT just started 3 days.

I just want words of care and a simple "How is your day today?"
I don't get that. Not even a smile. Only a frown.
Don't go asking me to find a boyfriend or bf or lover or smtg.
It is different with her. Not everything your boyfriend can give.
Somehow you just wish she can say something to just make your days a little brighter.

OTs and late nights are just temporary now. I hope.
She argued, "Mark my words. Your late nights are forever. You can might as well just lose us"
I was too restless to even mouth another word.
I've been working for years. I don't OT everyday or everyweek.
Just once in a while when I really NEEDED too.
And please consider the long long drive there, how long will it take?
I stucked in the jam for hours a day.

Just think before you say anything.
Words hurt more than anything.

Do you really get what I'm trying to say here a not?????

I'm just trying to earn a living.
And guess why I'm trying to earn a living?
Not just giving myself a living but to ease your living.

Have you ever thought of that??



I really wonder. Why other "she-s" are not this kind?
Why only her acting this kind?
I'm not complaining or comparing. But I can't help thinking it.
Well, at least her partner, "he" understands. Love.
Maybe she is showing love the wrong way. Maybe.


I want to be freeee but still with strings attached.
I'm not fooling around with my life doing nothing.
I don't go wasting my life.
I have goals.


i hate going home nowadays.

wanting a new beginning

"We've never felt anything like this our whole lives."








1.15am.
Ain't the right time for tears to fall.

I'm blubbering with Chloe now in MSN.
She's my close friend since college times back in limkokwing..
Currently working in China as interior designer, of course.

We're now chatting bout the China earthquake. *here*
She felt it that day.. and it was horrible.. terrified..
a new experience that left her traumatized for days.

We're just talking bout it.. bout the news, the victims, the dead, the mourning..
Making me recall all the snippets of this incident I saw lately on news and papers..
Gosh man... i just couldn't help tear-ing.

Was watching the news with mom the other day.
Both of us were like waterbags.. sobbing man...
Really really really sad... crying none stop..

"She couldn't help him. She could only encourage him. She'd call his name."

"I lost everything. I lost my house and I lost my mother."

So unbelievable, I mean... the feelings are so indescribable..
The tremendous collapse, rubbles burying human alive..
trapping hundreds of others under schools, factories and houses..
Just sooooo merciless.. *sobs*
Making us feeling so small and helpless as nature strikes to kill us all..
So cruel.. in a minute, killing thousands. Tragic tragic.
Look at the pix man.. soooo sad.. i just went all out..

How a man have to saw his leg right on the spot straight away in order to save his life..
How children getting skin diseases due to the earthquakes..
How they got buried alive within seconds..
How their feelings change all of the sudden..
How a mother died, protecting her baby, leaving him all alone in this world with only one very meaningful sms.. I do love you.
How sacrifices are made with no hesitation..

How the number of dead increasing every minute..
How helpless they are watching their loved ones just die..
How anxious and scary it must be wondering if those buried will ever be found n alive..
How an elderly woman mourns as her grandson is buried under the debris..
How the death of kids outnumbered..
How they look at the debris of collapsed buildings with mixed emotion..
How a grandfather places a photo of his grandson at a shrine in the ruins..

"As long as there was a slightest hope, we should make our effort
a hundred times and we will never relax,"
Premier Wen Jiabao said outside the collapsed school in Juyuan.

“I miss my parents a lot,” said Luo Yuwen, the 10-year-old.
“I haven’t seen them yet, and I don’t know whether they’re safe or not.
The thing I wanted to do most was to get away from that place.”

Parents hold photos of their children who were killed in last week's deadly earthquake are seen during a memorial service at a primary school in Mianzhu, in China's southwest Sichuan province Friday May 23, 2008.

Parents held a memorial ceremony for the more than 130 students killed when their school collapsed in the massive earthquake on May 12, 2008.

"I am particularly saddened by the number of students and children affected
by this tragedy," President Bush said in a statement.

This pix (above) caused me to suffer from "instant heavy downpour".
I was so emo and got very devastated.

Passes and school bags of students who were killed in last week's deadly earthquake are seen during a memorial service at a primary school in Mianzhu, in China's southwest Sichuan province.

I really can't take it that how the parents holding the photos of their children who were killed. I just tak boleh tahan.

Imagine that feeling..
Imagine if that's ur son..
Imagine if that's ur daughter..
Imagine if that's ur friend..
Imagine if that's ur father..
Imagine if that's ur mother..
Imagine if that's ur loved one..
Fark man!!!

Sad.
Find this whole situation very depressing.
Very very down-hearted to be exact.

I watched. I cried. I donated. I cried. And I cried again.

This vid makes me sad all-over again.
Nice song tribute to the earthquake victims.
WATCH IT!!!


I'm not trying to be drama here or LOA. I took hours to post this up. *sobs*
I just want to share how I feel.

Like how Chloe and I ended our chat,
"We're just really very grateful of our everything again, twice, triple, hundruple-ly."



*hugs*

crying again. damn emo now. nite.

silence is the virtue of fools

Today my phone was worst than a "library".
No sms. No calls. Nothing. Ney.

Silence.
SSHHhhhhhh.....


-

design "dead" crit 3

Last Monday Design dead crit 3.
Hellish day.
Nightmare.. i mean.. Midday-mare..

*click to enlarge*

shit happens again

sometimes SHIT HAPPENS.
hate the fact that today was the total opposite of yesterday.
hate the fact that how drastic things changed from day to night.
hate the fact that I cried twice horribly tonight.
hate the fact that life is so fucking hard.
hate the fact that I HATE EVERYTHING tonight.

had enough!!

exhaustion is what we felt lately.
today, frustrated is more like it.
i'm giving up.. i mean we're giving up. *shrugs*
just let bygones be bygones..
just let whatever comes.. comes.

we shared a great news over a phone-call just now..
our parents stood with us and helped us through emotionally.
at least that eased our hearts and cheered our mood.

nevertheless, we are thankful, and words can't tell the level of our sincere gratitude
to those who back us up, who supported us, and stand with us.
like what she said, "people make mistakes, as long as we learn from them."
we are touched and again, sorry for bringing up the unintentional mess.

2 weeks. long or short? don't care lar.
like what he said, "We have a life to go on too. Just let it pass."
Way true. Thanks for the pep talk that day.

*hugs*

a dilemma to hide

She sms'ed me just now, "I understand. I sounded happy 'cos I'd just cried out a lot during shower. Feeling at least much better. You should do the same."

I tried to cry out loud, let everything out but my tears just ain't flowing out.
Tears wet my eyes during the "talk" today.
No idea why they started disobediently falling..
not because I was sad, or happy, or... I really don't know.
I was just.. all tightened up.

I don't know how I am feeling now.
I don't know how should I be feeling now.
I don't know how to overcome this "no-feeling" feeling,
but yet feeling so suffocating?

To go beyond limitations are not what we intended to do
To promote sabo-ation is something that never crossed our minds.
To offend and hurt others are something we have total no clue of doing.
No harmful intentions. No negative plans. No.. nothing bad..
but things just went the other way round and slapped us tight on our faces.

To turn back time is impossible.
To fast forward the time is a form of escaping.
To face the time as it is now.. it is.. err.. *speechless*
I want to erase the negativity thoughts but I couldn't.
It became a lesson of life that I don't want to face it down again.
Obstacles down the path, with us knocking each down with great uncertainty.

I had enough of me being so pessimistic lately.
It's hard satisfying all needs of everyone.
Hard to meet all expectations.
Hard to answer questions that we have got no answers for.
The hardest to face own fear with great dilemma and suffocation.

A friend used to tell me once, "You should have been..."
But the situation now only allows me to say, "We should not have been..."

Right now, I felt helpless and weak.
With no intentions turned full BAD intention impression.
It is hard to digest everything.. it is hard to even believe that this is actually happening.
I really do not want this to happen. We really don't.

To regain confidence.
To bring back trust.
It is saddening.
Unintentionally causes chaos.
Unawareness causes discomfort.
Unethical causes obnoxious.
I am just.. unhappy.. stressed..
Just can't lightened up..
I.. really don't know how to make myself feel better.

Someone please tell me..
how should I feel? or what should I feel?
I really want things to get back to normal.
I don't want to live life in suspense.



It's really suffocating.
help me.