a dilemma to hide

She sms'ed me just now, "I understand. I sounded happy 'cos I'd just cried out a lot during shower. Feeling at least much better. You should do the same."

I tried to cry out loud, let everything out but my tears just ain't flowing out.
Tears wet my eyes during the "talk" today.
No idea why they started disobediently falling..
not because I was sad, or happy, or... I really don't know.
I was just.. all tightened up.

I don't know how I am feeling now.
I don't know how should I be feeling now.
I don't know how to overcome this "no-feeling" feeling,
but yet feeling so suffocating?

To go beyond limitations are not what we intended to do
To promote sabo-ation is something that never crossed our minds.
To offend and hurt others are something we have total no clue of doing.
No harmful intentions. No negative plans. No.. nothing bad..
but things just went the other way round and slapped us tight on our faces.

To turn back time is impossible.
To fast forward the time is a form of escaping.
To face the time as it is now.. it is.. err.. *speechless*
I want to erase the negativity thoughts but I couldn't.
It became a lesson of life that I don't want to face it down again.
Obstacles down the path, with us knocking each down with great uncertainty.

I had enough of me being so pessimistic lately.
It's hard satisfying all needs of everyone.
Hard to meet all expectations.
Hard to answer questions that we have got no answers for.
The hardest to face own fear with great dilemma and suffocation.

A friend used to tell me once, "You should have been..."
But the situation now only allows me to say, "We should not have been..."

Right now, I felt helpless and weak.
With no intentions turned full BAD intention impression.
It is hard to digest everything.. it is hard to even believe that this is actually happening.
I really do not want this to happen. We really don't.

To regain confidence.
To bring back trust.
It is saddening.
Unintentionally causes chaos.
Unawareness causes discomfort.
Unethical causes obnoxious.
I am just.. unhappy.. stressed..
Just can't lightened up..
I.. really don't know how to make myself feel better.

Someone please tell me..
how should I feel? or what should I feel?
I really want things to get back to normal.
I don't want to live life in suspense.



It's really suffocating.
help me.