Saturday, December 13, 2008

it farking hurts the fragile me

I really don't understand sometimes.
Like totally clueless.
All the "whys" and "whys" and "whyyyss" squirming in my head.

I finally graduated last month, and started working full-time permanently for this firm I'm been part-timing for almost a year throughout my final degree year. I have 3 projects on my hands now that are rushing to be launched before Chinese New Year. From the same client cum developer. There are a lot to be done now, a lot to be rushed, a lot to be make sure everything went on pace. These projects have been on for months.. since like beginning of the year. They were KIV due to some authority business. Now that suddenly the developer wanted to rush before CNY, there are a lot of things now to be revised and follow up.

You know where all these explanation heading to?

No? Me neither.
It sounds like just another part and parcel of life.
Just another thick-headed client that wants things all last minute.
Sounds pretty normal right?
I mean what is work life? I mean you have to work for a living, right?
Work to your boss+clients+partners+etc's needs and satisfaction right?
Moreover worst when your work is partially on "servicing people" and "selling"?
Do your own responsibilities and duties.
Due to a hectic deadline, we sometimes need to rush right?
OT and late nights, late dinners, long long jammed-up drive back home..

Do you understand now??

No? Not yet.


So my problem dilemma is this.
She has been giving me a lot temper problems lately.
She don't talk to me but in fact, she snapped at me.
For the whole day I'm not at home, she can heeheehaahaa with the sibs.
But when I place my first footstep of the day back at home, she starting yelling.
She keep mentioning on how I abandoned her and the rest.
Treating her as a old maid and her roof as a cheap motel with room services.
Hate the most when she said..
"You will die working before you earn your first million."
"You can packed up and move out and cut strings."
"I won't ask you anything anymore. Just don't talk to me like how I won't want talk to you."
"Why not you just camp in your office?"
"I don't know what I did in my past life to have you this life? Must be karma"

All these late nights and OTs are not to my liking either, alright.
Who would want to work late nights all the way in KL?
Driving back to Klang now is farking really a headache.
Long long long long jams. Totally a nightmare.
Going to work takes hours, coming back late evening or night also freaking jammed up.

Do you feel me now??

I envied them who can at least be at ease at home.
I want that desperately now but she's not just planning to give.
She's just being a hardrock ass which I hate to go home after work lately.
Everything out of her mouth is spits and spikes.

Cut me some slack, will ya?

I'm not complaining. Just hope that she can understand that working is not easy.
Not as easy as reaching office by 9am and leaving sharp by 6pm.
You think leaving KL by 6pm, I can reach Klang by 7pm? Never.
With the Klang bridges all closed up now for that stupid construction, WORST.

I just want a little TLC and calmness to soothe my mood back after a long day at work.
I'm all squeezed out with no juices left.
Back here, a level of stressfulness just mountain up. Worst than being in office.
When you're busy, hours flew pass like nobody's business.
Coming back here trying to ease my mind, "hardcore fengtau rhythms" attacking my head.
I really hate coming back lately. And OT just started 3 days.

I just want words of care and a simple "How is your day today?"
I don't get that. Not even a smile. Only a frown.
Don't go asking me to find a boyfriend or bf or lover or smtg.
It is different with her. Not everything your boyfriend can give.
Somehow you just wish she can say something to just make your days a little brighter.

OTs and late nights are just temporary now. I hope.
She argued, "Mark my words. Your late nights are forever. You can might as well just lose us"
I was too restless to even mouth another word.
I've been working for years. I don't OT everyday or everyweek.
Just once in a while when I really NEEDED too.
And please consider the long long drive there, how long will it take?
I stucked in the jam for hours a day.

Just think before you say anything.
Words hurt more than anything.

Do you really get what I'm trying to say here a not?????

I'm just trying to earn a living.
And guess why I'm trying to earn a living?
Not just giving myself a living but to ease your living.

Have you ever thought of that??

I really wonder. Why other "she-s" are not this kind?
Why only her acting this kind?
I'm not complaining or comparing. But I can't help thinking it.
Well, at least her partner, "he" understands. Love.
Maybe she is showing love the wrong way. Maybe.

I want to be freeee but still with strings attached.
I'm not fooling around with my life doing nothing.
I don't go wasting my life.
I have goals.

i hate going home nowadays.

1 comment:

Tess Soh said...

it anger...u know? blinds her eyes and hence...the harsh words

its in such a sudden, that she cant accept the fact that u graduated
and grow up so much...overnight

eventually, she will have to release somewhere..
yet, your sibs are just too young to understand her frowns...

she just need some time