Sunday, May 17, 2009

i just want more out of my life..

Been busy lately.
Need a breather.
Sometimes I wonder..
Why do we have to work so hard?
Is life all bout working?
Bout how people say life's bout love, bout passion bout "life"???
but end of the day.. it's all bout money.. no money no love.. no life.. no anything..
Sucks to face the reality..

We were talking the other night..
debating on whether we should work our ass off for a better tomorrow..
or just "kias pagi makan pagi"kind of attitude..
where u spend what u earn.. just enjoy life without worryin too much..
to be a "Let's Do IT" person.. don care just do.. done then only think..
I can't. I don't think I will ever do that..
I have expectations to myself.. I have goals to achieve..
I have things I wan to do in my life... not to just do something with no planning.
I know this sounds bored.. or low-life whatever u called it..
I do wish I can just do everything or anything without thinkin on other necessary perspective.. but hell no, i can't. I cannot to just do not care for anything.

A very family person. Family comes first..
Any good or bad news/things... i shared. probably the way I was brought up..
when it comes to undeniable very bottled up feelings.. I didn't.
Why? no idea.
i have this thing of "it's ME time.." only i share with me.. myself..
seeing me sitting in starbucks one corner with a good book..
a nice quiet time for myself with nothing to get all edgy with..

Mom asked.. why my goals allows no place for love (finding ur other-life scenario)..
well, not i do not want love.. i want love.. i need love..
i want someone to be there for me.. just for me..
but i just let it come naturally.. unconditionally just come..
need not to go hunt of it..
been through 3 disappointments with 3 very different personalities..
i do not know what to expect for the next..
though i wish my love life can be a little more "dramatic".. or shall I say "dreamy"..
but.. it's real life... time to wake up silly me..
so therefore let it come when it wants to come...
what's mine is mine.. what ain't mine.. is not mine then..
simple as that.. the more u wish for it.. the higher the chances of getting disappointed.
and i have enough of.. "you're picky.. you don wan to find only.. you this you that.."
Come on man.. cut me some slack please..
it's not like u'r going to market to buy fresh meat.

Mom said not once, not twice, "i don't want to take care of you forever lorrr.."
I know she's kidding... but.. it sounded pressuring & disturbing..

Lots of questions i've been asking myself lately which I can't seem to find the answer i want.
i want to live a satisfied life.
i believe in myself.
i want surprises.
i want things to just happen for the all the reasons it should.
I'm not worried bout life obstacles but i'm just kinda getting tired of it.
Ya ya i know i know.. i just started my life 'legally' in many things..
inclusive of being more responsible.. more shit-ass stuff happening around me..
where i need to "see the real society"..
but i'm just mentally tired sometimes..
need a good cry... possibly a good shoulder to have a good cry on..
just feel like letting all out.. then i bet i'll be fine.

i want too much out of me.. too much to expect..
don't ask me what i see myself in 10 years kind..
everyday i answered myself differently.. wanting different things..
sounds like unsatisfied bitch huh? ....

possibly this post at the end of the day.. today might be one of "those" days..

mutual feel is happening.. fucks


k.t.x said... the emo huh? where is yr BF?

Michelle said...

i'm waiting for u..
can't u see it? hahah lol