I was lazing on my bed in the dark, tugging on strands of fuzz from my fluffly pillow, counting numerous sizes of glowed-stars at the ceiling, trying to find the inner peace in myself. I knew the problems exist but yet I have got no idea on how to solve it to satisfy all parties, to stay away from sticky situations.
I said to myself, "What should I do?"
I said to myself, "What should I do?"
What in the world is happening to me? Honestly I think I live a good life, but yet constantly complained about the dreadfulness. I tend to dream big, but I worry that my dreams aren't attainable. Life is so filled with surprises, laughter, positivity and of course, sorrow. But as pig-headed as I am, I'm always thinking too much because the sorrows always leave the most impact scar comparable to happy ones. Sad case, huh?
This morning, unexpected I met someone right under my nose whom I've heard a lot about but never ever EVER think of meeting in real. Can't believe the world is SO small that of all places, we've actually been under the same roof since I have first stepped into the building. When you least expects it, it always happen outta nowhere.
When you have already left the past way behind you, it came slapping you right on your face. HARD. Suddenly every missing pieces of the previous puzzle fitted perfectly and everything became crystal clear. "Perfecto".
I asked myself, "Why is this even happening?"
On the other hand, getting to know a new person, gaining new trust, developing new feelings always end up with WHENs.
When he tells you, "I'll always be there for you no matter what happens", just take it as a big CON, and you have to be ready you're soon to lose him. BIG TIME.
When he easily tells you, "We're should get together", you can kick in his nuts because you are scarred from your previous easy-come-easy-go relationships.
When you rejected him, he'll still say "I'll wait" but at the meantime, he's on his way catching another bus heading downtown, far away from you.
When you trust him, he'll suddenly betray you.
When you're about to have good thoughts about him, he will suddenly disappoint you.
When he tells you, "I'll always be there for you no matter what happens", just take it as a big CON, and you have to be ready you're soon to lose him. BIG TIME.
When he easily tells you, "We're should get together", you can kick in his nuts because you are scarred from your previous easy-come-easy-go relationships.
When you rejected him, he'll still say "I'll wait" but at the meantime, he's on his way catching another bus heading downtown, far away from you.
When you trust him, he'll suddenly betray you.
When you're about to have good thoughts about him, he will suddenly disappoint you.
When he tells you, "I'm different from the rest", just shrug it off cos it's always the SAME ending.
When you're making yourself more easy-to-get along with, it'll always turn out catastrophic.
When you tell him your feelings, he can't take it & start to throw temper tantrums at you.
When he tells you his feelings, you just have to admit your flaws with no hesitations.
When you're heartbroken, he's nowhere in sight, he just walks off.
When you complained on all these "WHENs", people will tell you; this is just part & parcel of life. Like DUH!~
When you're making yourself more easy-to-get along with, it'll always turn out catastrophic.
When you tell him your feelings, he can't take it & start to throw temper tantrums at you.
When he tells you his feelings, you just have to admit your flaws with no hesitations.
When you're heartbroken, he's nowhere in sight, he just walks off.
When you complained on all these "WHENs", people will tell you; this is just part & parcel of life. Like DUH!~
I tried to control myself from despising problematic attitudes, controlling my own fucking temper but nothing is ever satisfying. At times I do experience extreme jealousy, holding enough self-control, introducing my own ways of violence & abuse, but I OFTEN JUST FANTASIZE about it. It do have a way of calming me down though I know it ain't happening in REAL.
"I'm sick of this. I can't stand myself anymore. When am I going to be happy?"
"How could me asking for happiness, I thought to myself. Didn't I say that best one could expect was a return to "common unhappiness?" Yet my yearning was heartfelt. How could I possibly address it without being misleading?"
You think I'm crazy? Unreasonable? Pathetic?
So how to not make you think so?
So how to not make you think so?
*Sometimes I'm too tired to even bother anymore*
Be myself? I am myself.
Don't assume who you think I am, ok? That is your version of ME. Not the REAL me.
If you can't accept me as who I truly am, then what more can I say right? I'm not a sketchbook with empty pages that you can scribble your shits on.
I promise to rub off all my pessimistic thoughts by end of this year. ENTIRELY. *fingers crossed*
You can stop calling. You can stop replying. You can get all frustrated with me. You can scream your lungs out at me. You can leave me alone. You can blame your ass out at me. And don't be sorry if you don't think you are. The fact is you don't owe me anything till you HAVE to treat me nice even when you don't want to. I'm speechless. I no longer have the strength to amend the misunderstandings. Sometimes I don't even have the energy to even care. Just let it be your choice. I'm tired of being heartbroken.
Be myself? I am myself.
Don't assume who you think I am, ok? That is your version of ME. Not the REAL me.
If you can't accept me as who I truly am, then what more can I say right? I'm not a sketchbook with empty pages that you can scribble your shits on.
I promise to rub off all my pessimistic thoughts by end of this year. ENTIRELY. *fingers crossed*
You can stop calling. You can stop replying. You can get all frustrated with me. You can scream your lungs out at me. You can leave me alone. You can blame your ass out at me. And don't be sorry if you don't think you are. The fact is you don't owe me anything till you HAVE to treat me nice even when you don't want to. I'm speechless. I no longer have the strength to amend the misunderstandings. Sometimes I don't even have the energy to even care. Just let it be your choice. I'm tired of being heartbroken.
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