it is hell

I just completed Hell's Kitchen Season 8.
*evil laughs* all in two nights when I'm working on my design proposals.
Starting on Season 9. Distress me totally and gave me a few laughs.

I like Gordon. Really. He's perfect. (at least for his HK reality show though)
Love his sarcasm and profanity. Entertaining.
He was a footballer back then turned celebrity chef.
Worked his ass up. Like wow.
He inspires me in mixed feelings from admiration to scorn and to passionate.
He's tough and take no crap from people, which leads to him speaking his mind out straight and his constant cursing became a part of his charm and personality.
But he can be a meaner, very arrogant and bully.
I wouldn't want to appear in the same room with him when he's being hot up all in his head. But well they are constantly working in a hot stressful kitchen, you expect dainty talking? He has this passion and expectation so high up that everything matters before he put them on the table. You might say it's all reality show format whatsoever but I'm just enjoying what I'm watching. Not going to think what's beyond the show.
And and and he does a lot of great work of charity. Kudos.

I'm babbling, ain't I? Haha.
I'm just distressing.

Okay back to episode 4 and work.
Peace out.

with or without meant nothin' anymore

You know, I heard this song like ten thousand trillion times before...
but.. but never ever noticed her lyrics.
It is quite "power-talking". Haha.

It finally caught my attention when I was driving home earlier from a long day of work..
It was on air.. and well it hit me on the chorus; right on the sec I was thinking of something similar. Anyway the song was Demi Lovato's Skyscraper.

It was this part at first..

As the smoke clears, I awaken,
And untangle you from me,
Would it make you feel better,
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken,
But I'm standing on my feet.

then...

You can take everything I have,
You can break everything I am,
Like I'm made of glass,
Like I'm made of paper,
Go on and try to tear me down,
I will be rising from the ground,
Like a skyscraper.

Dumbstruck and I laughed out loud. 

How ironic.

How coincident things can be. 

But I am happy today.

Somehow or rather the clouds hid away and the sun is back.

Hope tomorrow will always be a better day.  

*fingerscrossed*

Christmas

It's Christmas.
Was out with the girls till 6am in the morning.
Came home bout 1pm and slept till err now?

Anyway, it's Christmas.
As they say, the blessings of the peace, the beauty of hope, the spirit of the love and the comfort of faith..
May all these be my gifts for the Christmas season.
And I wish I can spend my Christmas next year with a special one I dear.
I think I had enough of 'single' Christmases.


Merry Christmas.
xoxo.

paint to find?

Hmm.. read this phrase somewhere...
"Being alone and recognition of that reality is part of the maturation process; part of becoming an individual human being..."

--

Well anyway, I felt better in a way.
Spent my afternoon rendering some illustration for this new apartment project, painting my nails with OPI's Gold Spark De Triomphe while waiting and watching reruns of Supernatural Season 1.
After a while I started on my PIY. I bought an empty PIY canvas few days ago.
Cost me like 99bucks for a 40x50cm.
At first I was skeptical but after getting started on it, I was actually glad.
Not as easy as you think it is.
Most importantly, I found a new hobby that eventually can remove evil thoughts off my mind.

Having to know how to express yourself through art is something words can't explain. 

Art as a hobby.. you have the freedom, relaxation and I might even say, fun,

I might get another one after I completed this piece. 

If I have more time, I might.. get hands-on on oil painting again.

Re-discover myself with strokes of colourful brushes.

Sounds good eh?

chemical romance

Clock strikes 11:03am.

One minute I felt it.
One minute I don't.
It's Christmas Eve.
I don't feel the joy.
I just want to crawl up in my bed and sleep.
At least I don't feel anything then.

It's messing with my mind, big time.
There's work, there's him, there's her, there's all the stress up there.
I have always LOVE year ends, but I really feel like crap now.
I just want to be alone and not do anything. Nothing. Nothing at all.

If only the time stopped.. just freeze the moment.

喜歡不是愛

Somehow stumbled onto the instrumental guitar version of this song on some guy's blog.
Caught my attention hence I googled it.
Never a big fan of mandarin pop songs.. never knew who sang which..
Hmm.. just very selected few but this song kind of bugged-on me.
Well in a good way, sorta. Lyrics are pretty much related in a few phrases..
Anyway I like it and I think she's adorable.




我閉上眼睛　貼著你心跳呼吸
而此刻地球　只剩我們而已
你微笑的唇型　總勾著我的心
每一秒初吻　我每一秒都想要吻你

就這樣　愛你愛你愛你　隨時都要一起
我喜歡　愛你外套味道　還有你的懷裡
把我們　衣服鈕扣互扣　那就不用分離
美好愛情　我就愛這樣貼近　因為你

有時沒生氣　故意鬧脾氣
你的緊張在意　讓我覺得安心
從你某個角度　我總看見自己
到底你懂我　或其實我本來就像你

想變成你的氧氣　溜進你身體裡
好好看看在你心裡
你有多麼寶貝　我愛你

就這樣　愛你愛你愛你　隨時都要一起
我喜歡　愛你外套味道　還有你的懷裡
把我們　衣服鈕扣互扣　那就不用分離
美好愛情　我就愛這樣貼近　因為你
我們愛情　會一直沒有距離　最美麗

Her official MV *here*

few of my favourite things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens..

These are the few of my favourite things.

They make me happy by just looking at these images.

The colors, the composition... Hmmm..

If only there are all right in front of me now.

Sigh.

My new whatsapp's wallpaper :)

Balloons. Heliums.

Fly me away kite.

Daisy and daisy.

xoxo

from michelle to michelle.

breathing space

As I was driving the long empty road earlier,
The city looked the same..
The people looked the same..
The cars looked the same..
It all looked the same..
but deep down, I knew it wasn't..
Just one night everything has changed.

Face it. I gave up trying.
Will leave it as it is for ample breathing space.
The world is not dead but my hopes kinda are.. hence..
I'll live it as a new life.


Happy birthday, M.

Last words

It's funny how life plays a fool out of you.

You told a friend a story to drive your insanity out.
Just need someone to talk to and give some opposite-sex opinion.
I admit, girls and their over-sized brains will intend to think way WAY out of the box especially that kind of imaginative and way creative person like me. Yes I'm not denying that sometimes I do have a bottomless pit of negativity like Uncle David said I was. Well, depends on what's the situation.

Being too optimistic can be quite a pain in the ass BIG time.
Too opti leads to overconfidence which will lead to bigger disappointments.
Disappointment is a free ticket to hell especially to deal on personal issues.

Anyway back to the story and the friend.
Some people just jump into opportunities at the damn wrong timing.
You're not my type. I truly believe I am not yours too.
But you asked to give it a try. But what's there to try?
I'm not some dress on sale that you can put on in the dressing room, twirl and dance in it then put it back on rack. Come on. Give me a break. I take things as such seriously.
I won't invest my feeling on someone whom I don't have feelings for.

Here I tell you I might actually "finally" like someone I hardly know which I don't even know it's right or wrong and there you advised me to divert it ON you? I can't bear to express a harsh no with intention of keeping a friendship hence the polite humour-off.
And then he asked me, "Why do nice people always choose the wrong people to date?"

You know if I have the answer, I won't be in the situation where sometimes it felt right and sometimes it just simply confusing. Ain't it? I haven't been feeling like this for years. It's stupid of me to allow it.

All I could say was.. "I'm evil. I desire the things which I know will destroy me in the end which leads me to me today." So serves me right, right?




*rolled eyes*

Bad habits are on the mode now.

Goodnight Doom's Eve.

fetish

Contemplating for the longest time.
It's too pricey but I might might might get it soon as I'm feeling like nutcase lately.
I need to love myself since no one is doing it.

*meditates*

Wishes.

Eight hours of sitting in front of my laptop today, the video shared below is the last song on my 3-songs-only playlist. Kept repeating alongside with Tamia's Officially Missing You and Enrique's Somebody's Me.
Sappy songs to 'accommodate' the bottomless pit of my negativity today.

dazed

Do not know how to think
Do not know how to do
Do not know how to feel
Do not know how to say
Do not know how to ask
Do not know how to explain
Do not know how to expect
Do not know how to ... not no know anything.

I know nothing.
As they say, "Time will tell."

But when?

i have issues

Starting my Tuesday morning with "OMFG what's wrong with me?"
I really really reaaaaaaaaaaaally need some sleep. Good deep sleep.
I haven't been sleeping well lately. Like living almost vampire-ish life.
Waking up at odd hours during the night, staring at the dark ceiling....
The mind will start to spin like a goddamn whirlpool.
Think about this, wonder about that, what ifs, should haves, why what how who etc.
I want answers to my endless questions which duh.. no answers.
I hate to constantly having to think about it. I hate it. Hate it. Hate.
It's really an ohmyfuckinggod situation.
Have not been in this so-called insomnia problem since early last year.
I really need some good rest. Some really sink-in rest. Just a dreamless sleep. Sleep dead.
I can't be waking up wee hours in the morning when I can only dozed off about 2am? or 3am? Sleeping hours are the pest. 4 hours? 3 hours? wtf.

Worst was being a fucking lightsleeper. Any fucking sound, a soft vibrate on my phone, birds letting out their first morning chirp, bloody Mat Rempits riding off to work, a loud sneeze woke me up. Literally. And that killed my sleep tremendously.
That's it. I'm awake like nobody's business.
Abrupt wakes will make me feel agitated as ever. Feeling like preggars throwing hormonal tantrums everywhere but well I didn't. Alright maybe a little. Just a very uptight feeling in my chest.. hence I really need my sleep. I don't want to kill anybody. Metaphorically. I am clueless what's wrong with me.
Desperately. I just want to close my eyes and see nothing, feel nothing, think nothing.
NIL.


NIL.




Seriously.
NIL.




*click*

be a half

I'm tired of being responsible.
I'm tired of having to always make the right decision.
I'm tired of "acting" what people expect me to be.
I'm tired of always having to think on your behalf!!!
Can I just go away for 1 day... maybe you will find my existence worth something.
I never felt appreciated. Only hammering negativism.
I think I want to rebel.
Hence my old age, but I don't give a fuck.

lately

Hate to admit but yes, I do feel that sometimes.
But there's nothing I can do about it, hence just let the feeling go. :)

Piece of Love.

I purchased a CD last night. Piece of Love. 

Description stated by today's most outstanding female audiophile voices.

Woke up early to a quiet house this morning.

Put my headphones on and start to inch away from the blinking emails, over-piling papers and unnecessary thoughts.

If only I can gaze out the window the entire day, listening to these inspiring love songs and wander off into my own space. Weather is perfect today.

Sky is still grey after the morning rain.. a slight breeze, after-rain smell. 

Hmm. it's comforting.

It's a musical rainbow to set you in the mood.

it's blue and the blues.

That's my favourite color lately.
Electric Blue.
And Monday never felt sooooooooo blue for the longest time.
I'm so dreading my feet to work. Arghhhhh~

Yeah BB King.. blue blue king. Lol.
Somehow after this song. I felt even... blue-r.



Your love is like a cigarette.. How blue can you get?

coulda, shoulda, woulda..

One of my fave quotes in Sex and the City.

persistence

I felt a slap right on my face when I checked my phone this morning.
Yeah something that I was denying a little while ago just happened or happened few days ago that I didn't realized it until I saw it earlier and oh I felt stupid silly. Somehow I'm much more alert now. I hope I'm not assuming. At least be right, this time. I never felt this for the longest time and yes the are "repetitive results".

I guessed feelings fussed up too much before that I didn't see this coming or I'm simply living in denial. I hate the fact that sometimes I think too much up there in my scrawny brain that reality it won't happen. Ahh I'm not sure if I'm feeling relieved (a little) or upset that the same things are happening again.

I'm really unsure and I dare not ask hence dare not expect.
I have a jinxed habit where the more I want something to happen or imagined what would it be like if I had it, I'll totally lost it in reality. See why I always said expectation are not worth expecting?

I think too much. That's my trouble.
People ask me to hope and try. Hope and try?
I hate to be let down AGAIN.
Constant disappointments are killing. Demotivates almost everything for awhile.
Enough.

Some things are better kept unchecked unsaid, I mean.
Sometimes most things that you do not know.. it's better remain that way.

Now I asked myself.. "Am I really relieved now?"
A small part of me said no. not at all.
It's always easier to live in denial.

As thoughts getting random..

As you lay in the cold room 'alert' at 5:35am after an abrupt wake, I just can't doze back. One of the worst moment because I will stay awake and start thinking into the dark. Thoughts of the moment that might vanish when the early clouds creep back.

I posted a status on Facebook minutes ago stating if only life has a manual. Somehow that just popped into my head and I think I'm might be just trying to escape from reality once in a while. I hate making life decision sometimes. Always stuck at some crossroad balancing the pro and cons, making right and wrong assumption that leads to good or bad decision. Why can't life be more direct or lesser harm done when bad decision or actions are made? Yeah I know life is bout experimenting blah blah blah but don't you think life is a little too short that you have to keep experimenting every move? What if keep making bad lousy decision? Blamed in on bad luck or bad judgement? And what happens to that yolo thing? Argh.

Starting on my own wasn't a day or two decision until I was literally drawn into it that I didn't realise it was actually happening. So stressed sometimes that breathing twice as much do no help. Well, there wasn't much support in the first place due to business risks and my young age, even my gender.. especially that particular someone who never fails to once in a while suggested me to leave my industry altogether. Why can't you do an easier job? A simpler 9-5 office work that need not to deal with so many issues, dirty sites and nasty men at the same time; and one work environment will somehow change one's character. I half agree to that simply cos I do agree I am no longer the dainty or naive soft spoken girl. I speak my mind, my thoughts and decision. is that harsh? Isn't that a part of growing up? I can't be the nice girl forever but I am still me. I don't do stupid things to harm myself or my family and friends. Life's too precious. I'm not even the suicidal type. I always believe in my own hard work.

And I hate those people that give ideas or advice just for the sake of doing their part for talking 'participation' only since at the end of the day I'm the one who face all consequences and not you. Well I won't do it to people I care. So shut it when you don't mean it. I've always end up lending my ear to people who needs a listener simply cos I don't judge. Life are all bout decision you make and you will be the one walking down the 'consequence' trails but I will still give my sincere opinions.. and again I still hate the fact that life didn't come with a manual. I might be a lil negative at times when most problems faced by other people are always the same as yours, same plot but they ran differently in the leading characters and time. Then somehow I'll relate myself too much to it then.. Wham! Retail therapy.

And I hate things going half bake. I do not wish to guess or second guess or third guess your next move. Or why are you doing this or why aren't you doing that like wtf you taking me for granted to your convenience? Speak up or make some obvious action. That would tell enough. I like surprises but only good surprises. Other than that I want things planned. At least a path to show where things are getting to. 'Going with the flow' I find that risky.

I hate him. I hate him for making me go through shits that makes me harder to trust people. I want to just give in my trust without much contemplation or fighting with my inner thoughts giving myself ten thousand over reasons to consider. A minute decision to end up an hour of debating thoughts. The longer your pro and con lists; the harder you decide and by the time you have decided, poof! it went with the wind. This is one thing I have always try to change and still hate the 'experience' he once sucked it up into me. It's a permanent scar.

It's 6:11am. I think I crapped enough and my eyes are getting tired of the brightness of the screen. I might turn in for a quick forty winks and stop thinking.

I always think out loud just to get things out. Not LOA but just expressive. Nothing secretive hence I penned it all here. And I feel better.

A little.

condemnation

big bad wolf is a bastard










big time.
all time.

爱一个人好难

I like Black and White. Period.

habits are hard little buggers to kill

Bad habits are hard to die.
But who to define they are bad.
Good. Bad. Habits are habits.
Especially when habits involved a person.
What if one day this habit just die off without my consent?
What will happen then?
Habits that are hard to kill and the fear of losing someone..
simply sums up to... err..
I'm still figuring out the answer or maybe I refused to. Just let it be.
If there's no "failure", that might possibly lead to a good "routine".



But whatever happens, tomorrow will always be a better day.


* *


I can never remember much Chinese song titles or celebrities except maybe the really famous ones. I was searching for some instrumental jazzy songs on YouTube yesterday and somehow stumbled onto these songs.
Piano Covers for  鄧福如 - 如果有如果 and 田馥甄 - 還是要幸福.
Easy on ears. Nice. The 感受 is undeniable.








~ xoxo

unavailing

There are some vain efforts to escape from reality.

accumulated stir

It's bizarre how one sentence from a particular someone can totally fucking ruin your entire day.
Words are so powerful that I would really really appreciate if you could think twice before saying anything.

Enough is enough.
Period.

work fork you

I tend to be over thinking stuff.
Tend to be too negative.

Tend to be over analyzing.

Tend to be over WTF.

My point is.. 

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where it was critical for you to make a decision in a relatively short amount of time?

I'm talking bout work.

The word that has the same quantity of letters with "fuck".

The word that rhymes with fork which sometimes I will use with the word "you" tagging behind.

Okay. Enough before I lose my sanity.

playing side by side

I think this is pure genius.
Just playing side by side and that's a great new song.

Songs:

- New York, I Love You but You're Bringing Me Down.
- Elevator to the Gallows.

Cool eh?
Thanks to Evan.

my humble abode

I've always wanted a place of my own. 

A place I can dwell inside, do whatever I want and leave the world out.

And I'm working on it. Saving money. Less shopping/travelling.

Work work work.. money money money. =P

As an interior designer, I can NEVER decide what I like for myself.
I tried doing my own moodboard in my spare time.. but never happened. Braindead.
One thing that is "still me" would be, dark cozy colors with a hint of bold "happy" color.
Posted some pix here to sorta combine my fav elements..

I once like this.. Hmmm.. Still fancy the different pieces of furniture in the mix of
bold and pastel colors but don't quite fancy the panther's head as the backdrop.
Maybe Audrey Hepburn in monochrome with a hint of red lips or just pastel rainbow strips.. 

Nice. I wonder if I will get bored with black. Hmm.. Apparently NOT. =P

The masculine straight lines are given a feminine kick with accents of
Monroe's lipstick red. Like!! A very personal touch.

Entire feel was right for a cozy place to come home to. Except maybe the
dining chairs.. too bony. And too many things happening at the ceiling.
A dark walnut timber floor would be a bonus effect. Anyway love it.

This is very Zen-ish. I only like the shadow casting on the floor.
A daily warm greeting from the morning sun. 

For young couples or a lone ranger, this concept is very well composed.
I would prefer to tame the look down by replacing that hot pink table with a  rugged
timber coffee table instead to bring out the mustard colors from the backdrop.

A perfect perfect PERFECT place for me to read my books.
Drowned in my jazzy songs with a hot cuppa, looking out on a rainy day.
Oh I want this NOW!!

Never thought a dark turquoise would add so much character
into the kitchen. Not a bad idea. =P

Looks a little cluttered but tastefully done. Maybe not so gungho photos.
Some classic ones, family photos. That will be nice.
Literally made my home very HOMEy, if that makes sense.

I need not a huge space but just a decent space to get cozy with my man and kids in future.
As for my single status now, a small studio apartment will keep me VERY satisfied.

Wonder how will my future abode be if I mixed all my favorite colors, textures and elements all in one place.

And back to work!! Gotta work hard to get my own place. =)

xoxo

forty-eight

I think I perasan lor.

sensed an existence

你存在，我深深的脑海里，我的梦里，我的心里，我的歌声里.

oh btw. me likey this.

(if only i can insert an emoticon with heartshaped eyes. i'll probably put 5. haha)

Goodnight.

caught up in the moment

Few weeks ago I was asked to sleep earlier day by day and me to not think so much but..
Lady Antebellum's Just A Kiss playing in the background now isn't helping much.
Feel like laughing. -_-"










Btw, I'm going fishing tmr!!! yay!!
Something different to look forward to.
I'm excited!! 40mins from KL is better than 40mins in KL!!


xoxo

I want to go back to sleep

I am up on a Friday at 8am which is a Public Holiday but felt like a Sunday.
Thoughts crammed up in my head now.
Fxked up.

back to flintstones..

Sometimes I can so unpredictable and...
Have the insane capability to do incredibly stupid things that I amazed myself sometimes.
I was in the midst of googling images for my moodboard few hours ago and somehow I stumbled across one of my blog links. Bizarre. Totally no connection to what I was searching online, but anyway that distracted me so much from work that I eventually started browsing and reading my old posts WHICH led to flashbacks of fking emo moments. And I read almost all the EMO labelled posts which brought back bollocks of *sniffsniff*. And I cried. Sooooo wtf, right?

This caught my attention..

"Lots of questions i've been asking myself lately which I can't seem to find the answer i want.
i want to live a satisfied life.
i believe in myself.
i want surprises.
i want things to just happen for the all the reasons it should.
I'm not worried bout life obstacles but i'm just kinda getting tired of it.
Ya ya i know i know.. i just started my life 'legally' in many things..
inclusive of being more responsible.. more shit-ass stuff happening around me..
where i need to "see the real society"..
but i'm just mentally tired sometimes..
need a good cry... possibly a good shoulder to have a good cry on..
just feel like letting all out.. then i bet i'll be fine.

i want too much out of me.. too much to expect..
don't ask me what i see myself in 10 years kind..
everyday i answered myself differently.. wanting different things..
sounds like unsatisfied bitch huh? ....


Speechless me? So whiny! Haha
I do sound a lil demanding huh?
A post I've put up 3 years ago.
Reading back, it felt like just 15mins ago.

I'm not going to "link-up" those past sappy big L word here.
I might .. Anyway bygones..



and I didn't finish what I supposed to do today. Damn.

my pen is in her random mood today

Aiks. still have birthday photos to post up here.
Hmm been weeks I have sorta forgot (whichactuallydefineslazy) to blog.
Sigh. My laptop is in ICU now, for 1 week already. It's the second week now.
They told me that he will be back in 3 weeks time when I admitted him in but I missed him so much.
Without him, I felt abandoned. Yes my laptop is a he. He works stronggggggggggg for me. lol.
Heading out.
Will pen more soon. =P

Btw, check this out.
I did a quick analyse on my Facebook activities. Haha how cool is this.
Click *here*

xoxo~

continuouscrap

nothappytoday.theangerpassedhenceiamkindaspeechlessnow.nothingmuchtoroarboutitnowthatihavefoundsomewaytodestressitearlierbutamstilluneasywithallthereunnecessarynuisance.crapman.whatthefuck.

happy twenty-eight on the fifth

Happy Birthday to me. The 28th.

Everyone's making fun of another additional two years will be the BIG three O.

Well, as long as I'm happy and healthy.. with loving family, great friends and good career, then... I'm good. *thumbs-up*

Some asked to wish for a boyfriend this year which i highly doubt as there's only few months left this year, and some even wrote it in the card.. skip the bf process, straight to husband. Awgh.. hahaha jokers.

Nevertheless, I still hope birthday can be different next year, if you know what I mean. =P 

First celebration was posted last week. *click* 
Pix posted below were on my birthday night. 5 Sept. 

Remember the date pls. Haha.

We had our dinner at Twenty-One Kitchen & Bar at BSC.

They asked me to choose a place at Bangsar hence I chose there. Not bad.

here goes.

words speak the truth. im still 21 deep within. haha

breaded calamari

Duck spring roll with cucumber, carrot, spring onion
and chilli hoi sin sauce

bangers & mash

seafood spaghetti in aglio-olio

caesar salad w/ grilled chicken poached egg.

Chicken tikka marsala with shell pasta, mint yogurt sauce

Prawn broth with angel hair pasta, home made fish cake,
prawn & chilli ginger powder 

Creamy fettuccini with smoked salmon & spinach

cake-blowing.. my face looked like mind-blowing. =P

with Louise.

chocolate molten cake was good.. rich and warm.
but the presentation n that whipped goo was kinda turned off.. no? 

Tess and me and neckpiece from BKK. mwah*

the youngsters.

birthday girl and the guys.

birthday girl and the babes.

with hello kitty jimui!!~

some were worried we were les. but we're v straight. =P

so tall!!! 

the girls that planned the night. thanks xoxo

twin tower bridge again! aih

group photo to end the night. xoxoxoxo

I like the last pix. =P

That's it for my birthday night pix.

Had a great time. =P

Love being with a bunch of great friends.

Thanks for making me happylikeacow on my birthday night.

XOXO

burning rays

The weather is so hot today. Grr
I am feeling so lazy. Slept through most of the days, neglecting my office works.
Damn. Tomorrow I'll quarantine myself in some cool cafe and put on my thinking cap.
Have to get my work started.

Yup.. this was/is my expression for a couple of days d due to the stupid weather...

xx.